The Total White Girl

We all know about racial equality, white, black, brown- all equal, right? Right. It's 2011 for crying out loud, and if you don't believe this to be true then please hop back on whatever turnip truck you were knocked off of and hightail it back to Mississippi. However, in our fight for equality, the masses inadvertently gave freedoms to a group that should not be allowed to the same rights as others: the Total White Girl. The Total White Girl (TWG) is not just a racial and gender specific construct, but in fact a lifestyle and, dare I say, a state of mind. We have all come into contact with a TWG, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. However, chances are that if you can't easily identify one, then you probably are one. Synonym's of "Total White Girl" include: "sororstitute" (although you don't have to be in a sorority to gain Total White Girl Status), "biddie", "bitch", and "that girl who turned everyone against me in 8th grade because I wouldn't share my Capri Sun".  

Are You A Total White Girl? 

• Does the word "crafting" have any immediate significance in your life?
• Do you own an excess of 10 monogrammed items?
• Have you ever uttered the words "Oh my god you guys the new Ke$ha song totally describes the place I'm at in my life right now!"?
• Are you currently wearing something from J.Crew, Polo, or Lilly Pulitzer?
• Do you refer to you father as "Daaaaadddyyyyaahhh"?
• Have you shown up to class in leggings, an oversized tee shirt, Reeboks, and a full face of make-up and hair completely done?
• Is your beverage of choice Diet Coke?
• Do you have a gay best friend?
• Do you let everyone know that you have a gay best friend?
• Is your other beverage of choice White Zinfandel?
• Do you measure how long a relationship lasts based on your empty birth control packets?
• Have you said "sorry, I'm not sorry" or "sucks to suck" more than twice in the past hour?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions then CONGRATULATIONS, you're a Total White Girl! If you didn't score high enough to reach TWG status, there are still other roles, on the periphery, that you can fill!

• The One With the Really Rich Dad 
• This one is simple- have a dad that invented something or discovered the cure for cancer, and use your fathers hard earned money to buy nice things, not only for yourself, but for the TWG. White Girls always need cute shoes right?
• Strengths: total lack of respect for parents income
• The Historian
• You are vital to the success of the TWG because you are responsible not only for capturing every exciting moment, but for spending hours editing the pictures with the TWG in them to ensure perfection. You are also responsible for destroying any picture that contains an improper skinny arm execution and things of that nature. You are responsible for the TWG's next profile picture so you better not fuck it up. The TWG will also demand you show her every picture of her .2 seconds after it was taken and demand reshoots in various poses until you have captured the perfect picture, so your reflexes need to be on point.
• Strengths: the ability to follow the TWG everywhere, yes, even the bathroom
• The 21 Year Old
• You're only here because you're 21. No. Questions. Asked. You are attractive enough to be in pictures so that you appear to be a member of the friend group, but in reality your personality is blander than white bread. You are only around because a TWG can't get white girl wasted if she doesn't have anyone to supply her with Burnettte's
• Strengths: being 21
• The Ugly One
• You're here to make the TWG feel good about herself, because no matter how ugly she thinks she looks that day, she knows you will always be uglier. 
• Strengths: having a unibrow
• The Slutty One
• Your job is similar to the Ugly One in that you're only here to make the TWG feel better about herself. The TWG will undoubtedly have gone home with at least 37 guys, but despite her best efforts, she could never catch up to you, and thus does not feel like a slut.
• Strengths: your legs are always wide open
• The Sober One
• You are quite possibly the most important member in the group. You are the one that shuttles TWG and co. to and from parties and downtown. You are not only important for your awesome mom-mobile skills, but also for your ability to remember everything that happened the night before and tell the events, in gruesome detail, the next day over breakfast. Without you, the TWG would have no stories to fabricate and tell to the cute boy that sits next to her in Poli Sci
• Strengths: having a minivan, having a good memory (being a good liar)

Hopefully you fit into one of these categories and can go have fun times with the TWG. And if you don't then all I can say is sorry about it and sucks to suck.