Boys, Boys, Boys.

Y'all might not know this, but boys are all over me. I go on at least 4 dates a week, I could open a flower shop with all the roses I'm presented with, guys have literally stopped my moving car in traffic to complement my beauty, and on occasion, I've been known to break up a fist fight between possible suitors. Ok now that April Fools day is over, lets get real. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date, and I'm pretty sure that the only people that have told me I'm beautiful are my parents, Christina Aguileria, and James Blunt. But just because I've never had a "real" relationship, doesn't mean that I haven't put myself out there, trust me, I have. In fact I've put myself in every possible situation to bump into the man of my dreams. Ok once again, that's not true, if I knew how to snag a guy we wouldn't be having this conversation. MTV and the like make it seem like everyone in college falls in love downtown at the club, but one thing is for sure, this is not the case. Ladies, just so we're clear, do not expect to meet The One at some club while you're dancing to "Head down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck." Prince Charming is not going to charge down on his white horse and say, “Oh she looks like a classy young lady, I should buy her dinner and treat her well.” It doesn’t work like that. He's thinking, “I am going to get her naked and not make her breakfast.” Also, if you think this to be true then not only do you know nothing about men, but you know nothing about horses either. Loud music and big groups make them skittish. Furthermore, every time I go to the club guys either swarm around me the minute I get there (cause I'm hot, duh), or I'm COMPLETELY ignored all night and left to stand in the corner picking my nose. But when last call rolls around and the DJ starts playing "Closing Time," BAM! all of a sudden I'm the Belle of the Ball. It's like I'm setting off every lonely drunk guys vagina radar and they're all on me like white on rice, trying to get their dicks wet. And I'm like "Ummm... I'll call us a cab." Hehe, no. It takes more than that to get a one night stand out of me, people. Also, if you honestly believe that you can start a relationship from a one night stand, then you have been fucked hard by Lifetime Movies. So, the club is a no go. Next stop? The library. The library is not a great place to meet a guy, unless you're comfortable with awkwardly going up to a table a starting a normal conversation, but why would you want to do that when you can just creepily stare at boys. You can literally stare to your hearts content at a beautiful boy, and if he catches you, you can just pretend to be deep in thought, then fake a "EUREKA" moment and fervently begin typing on your computer to pull it off. Once you've convinced him that you're just a hard worker and not a total psycho, stop pretending to work and continue staring.

In case I haven't made this abundantly clear, I am VERY single. even my father, who is the literal definition of oblivious, has noticed. Over break, he took me out to dinner and this conversation happened. (I'm not making any of this up):

"So, what's the dating scene like for 20 year olds these days?" 

"Haha umm if I knew I'd tell you!"

"So you're not seeing anyone? Not going on dates?"

"Uhhh... nope."

"And you aren't meeting guys?"

"No..." (at this point I was feeling pretty shitty about myself, then my dad dropped this bombshell)

"Well I've done some research and it seems like online dating is pretty cool right now, so if you want, I can pay for match.com or something."

MY OWN FATHER IS TRYING TO PIMP ME OUT ON MATCH.COM.  

Ok I know he's just trying to help, and he's doing it because he loves me and wants me to be happy, blah blah blah, but regardless. This is how single I am. But in my defense, I have some boyfriend prospects including: That-Guy-That-I-See-In-Line-For-Asian-Every-Tuesday. I am also accepting applications for boyfriend though, so tell your friends. Qualifications include: being single. I kid, I kid. Ok, not really. But kind of.

Well, ok I realize I look like a desperate floozy, but I want to make it clear that I have great friends and an awesome family, and my dog is REALLY cute, and I am happy at the place I'm at in my life. To quote Leslie Knope: "Friendships are totally better. Friends help you move, they drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you... and marry you..."

The Total White Girl

We all know about racial equality, white, black, brown- all equal, right? Right. It's 2011 for crying out loud, and if you don't believe this to be true then please hop back on whatever turnip truck you were knocked off of and hightail it back to Mississippi. However, in our fight for equality, the masses inadvertently gave freedoms to a group that should not be allowed to the same rights as others: the Total White Girl. The Total White Girl (TWG) is not just a racial and gender specific construct, but in fact a lifestyle and, dare I say, a state of mind. We have all come into contact with a TWG, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. However, chances are that if you can't easily identify one, then you probably are one. Synonym's of "Total White Girl" include: "sororstitute" (although you don't have to be in a sorority to gain Total White Girl Status), "biddie", "bitch", and "that girl who turned everyone against me in 8th grade because I wouldn't share my Capri Sun".  

Are You A Total White Girl? 

• Does the word "crafting" have any immediate significance in your life?
• Do you own an excess of 10 monogrammed items?
• Have you ever uttered the words "Oh my god you guys the new Ke$ha song totally describes the place I'm at in my life right now!"?
• Are you currently wearing something from J.Crew, Polo, or Lilly Pulitzer?
• Do you refer to you father as "Daaaaadddyyyyaahhh"?
• Have you shown up to class in leggings, an oversized tee shirt, Reeboks, and a full face of make-up and hair completely done?
• Is your beverage of choice Diet Coke?
• Do you have a gay best friend?
• Do you let everyone know that you have a gay best friend?
• Is your other beverage of choice White Zinfandel?
• Do you measure how long a relationship lasts based on your empty birth control packets?
• Have you said "sorry, I'm not sorry" or "sucks to suck" more than twice in the past hour?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions then CONGRATULATIONS, you're a Total White Girl! If you didn't score high enough to reach TWG status, there are still other roles, on the periphery, that you can fill!

• The One With the Really Rich Dad 
• This one is simple- have a dad that invented something or discovered the cure for cancer, and use your fathers hard earned money to buy nice things, not only for yourself, but for the TWG. White Girls always need cute shoes right?
• Strengths: total lack of respect for parents income
• The Historian
• You are vital to the success of the TWG because you are responsible not only for capturing every exciting moment, but for spending hours editing the pictures with the TWG in them to ensure perfection. You are also responsible for destroying any picture that contains an improper skinny arm execution and things of that nature. You are responsible for the TWG's next profile picture so you better not fuck it up. The TWG will also demand you show her every picture of her .2 seconds after it was taken and demand reshoots in various poses until you have captured the perfect picture, so your reflexes need to be on point.
• Strengths: the ability to follow the TWG everywhere, yes, even the bathroom
• The 21 Year Old
• You're only here because you're 21. No. Questions. Asked. You are attractive enough to be in pictures so that you appear to be a member of the friend group, but in reality your personality is blander than white bread. You are only around because a TWG can't get white girl wasted if she doesn't have anyone to supply her with Burnettte's
• Strengths: being 21
• The Ugly One
• You're here to make the TWG feel good about herself, because no matter how ugly she thinks she looks that day, she knows you will always be uglier. 
• Strengths: having a unibrow
• The Slutty One
• Your job is similar to the Ugly One in that you're only here to make the TWG feel better about herself. The TWG will undoubtedly have gone home with at least 37 guys, but despite her best efforts, she could never catch up to you, and thus does not feel like a slut.
• Strengths: your legs are always wide open
• The Sober One
• You are quite possibly the most important member in the group. You are the one that shuttles TWG and co. to and from parties and downtown. You are not only important for your awesome mom-mobile skills, but also for your ability to remember everything that happened the night before and tell the events, in gruesome detail, the next day over breakfast. Without you, the TWG would have no stories to fabricate and tell to the cute boy that sits next to her in Poli Sci
• Strengths: having a minivan, having a good memory (being a good liar)

Hopefully you fit into one of these categories and can go have fun times with the TWG. And if you don't then all I can say is sorry about it and sucks to suck.

Sext Me Later

In case you've just emerged from your tree house in the jungle of sub-saharan Africa, let me give you a little definition of "sexting"

Sext (n): a text message with sexually explicit leanings. including, but not limited to, explaining sexual acts, sending nude photos, and using the imagination and use of spoken word to play out fantasies. The act of sexting is often accompanied by an explicit number of ";)" faces. 

"Hey baby, since I won't be seeing you later how about you send me some sexts and we can still have some fun." 

For a while, I thought the only people that used the word sexting were concerned parents groups leading workshops about the dangers American children face today, but ohh boy has college changed that opinion. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that they sexted, I would be like.... 35 cents richer. (I think this low statistic is based on the fact that people are embarrassed about sexting, but really there's nothing to be embarrassed about or scared of, except the possibility that someone finds these messages and broadcasts them everywhere. But the chances of that are slim, really.) Regardless, sexting is definitely a cultural phenomenon, but if people are going to continue sexting, they need to learn how to fucking do it. Sexy texting is an art form, not just a means to spend a lonely Friday night. I hate sexting. Like hate, hate, hate, hate, hate sexting. But for some reason, my long distance ex boyfriend loved to sext me, and since I have no sense of self-respect (blah blah blah daddy issues blah) I always was quick to answer with a tantalizingly little nugget that was sure to get the juices flowing (ew bad analogy). However, even though I would send messages, I never actually partook in sexting proper; usually I was just sitting around eating a sandwich. But he liked sexting and I liked him and so thats how we get here. But bless his heart, poor boy was an economics major, and really isn't very good with articulating his thoughts. But his total disregard for the English language provided many lolz. Anyway, I have compiled some of the best (worst) sexts I've ever received from said ex for your reading pleasure below. Please, do enjoy. 

• "I want to pick you up and hold you tight and spin you around so you're upside down now and ram it in the whole time." 
• OK hold on, what sort of anti-gravity world are you living in that you can pick me up, spin me around and then upside down all while keeping it inside me. Like, instead of having sex in this anti-gravity chamber, can I just float around in your moon room?
• "I have you from behind and I push your face in the pillow so you can't breath and thrust even harder"
• Ohhh baby, yes, PLEASE keep telling me how you're going to smother me and defile my dead body. Nothing gets me hot and bothered quite like necrophilia. 
• "I have you on your back, then I take you off the bed, turn you around and put you on the running drier and let you feel it rumble all over"
• Wait... so... you fantasize about one day having sex in the basement of a Chinese laundry room? Cause that is really the only place I can think of that would have a drier running right next to a bed. 

But nothing tops the complete creativity and total lack of logic found in sexts like the totally unnoticed typo. 

• "I wish my duck was inside you"
• Please keep all farm animals away from my vagina, thanks. Also, I always knew there was something off with that Aflac mascot...
• However, nothing surpasses the tit/tot mix up.

• Napoleon Dynamite would be so proud

That guy and I broke up, unfortunately, well not unfortunately, I found out that he had fetishes WAY deeper than sending dirty messages and I'm not trying to do that nasty. I haven't sexted since him and I've decided that I need to REALLY love someone before I do that again. But, whether you've sexted or not, I think we all can agree that it leaves much to be desired, and it truly is an exercise into the depths of ones imagination. ;)