16 Reasons Why I Am Still Single

1.  I am convinced that someone is secretly recording the heart to heart conversations I have with my dog before I go to sleep each night and broadcasting them over the Internet.
2.  There is not enough time in the day to watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries every time it graces my cable box and sustain a relationship with anything other than my couch
3.  I give it up like a tee shirt gun at a Nets game, so many a guy has hit this and quit this, leaving no room for anything other than an awkward "see ya around campus" the next morning
4.  Jennifer Anniston set me up to fail.
5.  The love letters I posted on that guys locker for an entire semester in the 9th grade didn't pan out the way I thought they would
6.  I have a Pinterest board of movie stars and I hold every guy I see on my online dating profile to that standard
7.  My idea of a bitching evening involves going somewhere that allows me to fart without judgement
8.  I still get the American Girl Doll quarterly catalogue and go through and highlight what I want
9.  My daddy issues are of the "shower me with gifts to prove your love" variety
10.  Yelling out random arrested development quotes whenever I see fit is not deemed socially appropriate in this day in age
11.  I am convinced that every guy that sends a smile my way is harboring secret feelings for me and I treat them as such
12.  The only person who thinks I'm trendy is my dad
13.  I do not have a deep set commitment to personal hygiene
14.  I make up words and use them in everyday conversations and expect people to know understand what I mean
15.  Not only do I wear leggings as pants, but I wear granny panties under those leggings as pants
16.  But I think the main reason why I'm still single though is because I refuse to settle. Because settling is for Pilgrims

Top 9 Things To Do When Your Friends Are Out On Dates

This week my two besties got boyfriends (read: guys that take my friends attention away from me) at the same time. Also, they both had plans with said men on Saturday night, leaving me to sit alone in my room with my thumb up my butt. I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be a regular occurrence, so to save myself from my impending boredom, I have come up with a list of things to do when my friends have dates. Hopefully these tips will help you single people too!

9. I recently joined Pinterest, and set out crafting with the ultimate hopes of dying happily in a pool of melted crayons.  However, I quickly learned that it is expensive to make that shit, so instead focus on creating your own projects like making a mobile out of a stick and some pine cones or a picture frame out of old q-tips (the ear crust makes a nice yellow accent) or mold figurines out of the tub of vaseline that's just going to waste on your bedside table. 

8. Plan outfits and hair/makeup combo's that you'll one day get to use on your own date! The practice of making yourself look like a normal and dateable person will come in handy when you finally meet that guy from match.com in real life. Don't worry about washing away your makeup before bed, your tears work just as well as any top of the line makeup remover!

7. Follow your friend on their date and write down any noteworthy occurrences. Did you notice the guy check his watch? Clearly he's trying to make sure he gets to his OTHER date on time. Did the girl drop her fork after one sip of wine? Total alcoholic. Every event needs to be documented-your friend will appreciate your unbiased observations!

6. Do your homework for the upcoming week. Hell, while you're at it, do your homework for the rest of the semester! I mean let's be honest, it's not like you have any big things like one month anniversary's or couples trivia night to distract you. You should even bump up your course load or add some online classes! This is your opportunity to become the student you were born to be.

5. Reconnect with that guy you had a  crush on all through high school. Shoot him a friendly little message! Don't know what to say? Copy and paste this: "Heyyyy, Listen so I know we haven't talked since that time you told me to stop putting a bunch of anonymous love notes on you locker in the 10th grade, but I've been thinking, we should totally get together sometime! I mean I think of you whenever I see a MasterLock, and I'm sure you think of me whenever you see a poem that begins with 'Roses are red, Violets are blue' so just think about it, get back to me, I'm ALWAYS available. XOXOXOXOXO PS- you're looking SO sexy in your recently tagged pictures, especially the ones at the beach.... ;) ;) ;)" They'll think it's so sweet that you still love them!

4. Go out on your own and find a party to crash. Just because you know no one at the house, doesn't meant you won't be a fabulous addition! Create an alias and enter a world all your own! Also, maybe you can find someone to shack up with and that's always a plus.

3. Send out mass e-mails to the people in all your classes. There is nothing I love more than logging into my email and seeing 17 new messages waiting for me! It's like 17 people saying "let's be friends!!" (or it's 17 people saying "when's the test?"). Either way, you should send out an message ala Craig's List Missed Connections. "Hey Class, I made eye contact with this really cute guy in class 36 times today. He was wearing a yellow shirt and had hair the color of a unicorn's mane. His eyes were as deep as the blue on the cover of our textbook. Are you that guy? Let me know... Our destiny is waiting. Signed, Jonesing for you in Journalism" There doesn't even have to be a yellow shirted, unicorn mane haired, textbook cover blue eyed guy in your class, your class will appreciate the email regardless and if your class is big enough, statistically, some lonely hack will answer. 

2. Finally teach yourself how to play the recorder with your nose! This is a very marketable skill people.

1. If all else fails, you can always start a blog.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Greetings Earthlings! Now that school is back in session, I can focus on the important things again: Ignoring my school work and bitching and ranting over the internet. Today we're talking about the ever lovely alcohol, but more importantly, the effects of it. This is not a public service announcement about the dangers of binge drinking on college campuses, but more of a insight as to what asshole you turn into when you drink. I have been to many a party, tailgate, soiree, orgy, etc and therefore have had many an opportunity to observe drunks in their natural environment. So here we go...

WHAT KIND OF DRUNK ARE YOU?

• The One That Thinks They're Hot
• Unless you like slobbery no sober being is attracted to a drunk person, ever. But damn if this person doesn't think they are the hottest thing since Borat's man-kini. 
• Their drunkenness usually manifests itself in thoughts like ....
• "Every boy here wants to make out with me!"
• "I have great boobs, why don't I show them to the entire party?!"
• "Every girl here wants to make out with me"
• The Slut
• This drunk is similar to the "Think They're Hot" drunk, but they act on their Porn Star thoughts. This is the girl that stands on table topless, swinging her bra over her head. This is the guy that decides a living room couch is the perfect place to enact his favorite nudey flick scene. The worst part about these hos is that they NEVER pair up with each other, instead choosing to prey on innocent bystanders.
• The "DJ"
• We all know the person who gets drunk and automatically thinks they are deadmou5 incarnate and that the entire party would benefit from their secret Ke$ha collection. No one would benefit from that. However, this person insists on unplugging the stereo system so that the whole party can listen to their Garage Band remixes played through their iPhone speakers. Cause nothing gets a party bumping and grinding like do-it-yourself dub step.
• The Emotional One
• This is the person that cries about everything in real life anyways, so adding alcohol to the mix just creates an emotional shit storm. They will blabber to anyone who will listen about how the girl that sat next to them in fourth grade stole their favorite pen and never gave it back. While this ball of tears and snot usually manifests in ladies, men have been known to take on this form. Case in point: the guy that gets drunk and in turn unloads every time a woman did him wrong. Luckily for the rest of us, these Dr. Phil rejects naturally attract each other and can be left to have heart to hearts in the corner. 
• The Drunk Texter
• Ever gotten a text message at 2:47 that says "heyyyyyy babrby!!!!! 4i realyl wnat to be youurs girlfraint. next tioerm i see yyiu im gonnabt bt lll ova youuuuuu!!!!! :) :);0"? Because it was from this drunk. The Drunk Texter is the one most likely to derail their entire social life in 140 characters or less. 
• The Aggressor
• This person is intimidating in real life, but when they're drunk, they're downright frightening. For guys, the aggression manifests in punching the guy who just beat him in pong, kicking over a chair that's in his way, or carving "fuck" or a giant penis onto an antique table with a butter knife. For girls, This aggression is shown in hating on other peoples outfits, judging the shitty music, rating every boy on a 1-10 scale and basically acting the same way girls act all the time.
• The Pretend Drunk/The Lightweight
• This person has two sips of Mike's Hard and is plastered. Whether they're actually drunk or not is irrelevant. By far the most annoying drunk is this one. They run around the entire place announcing to everyone that they are "Ssoooooooooo gonnneeeeeeee!!!!" Other favorite phrases of this person are
• "I can already feel my hangover coming on"
• "I NEED A SOBER DRIVER!"
• "What's my name again?"
• The One With The Drunchies
• Drunk + Munchies = Drunchies. The Drunchies is the reason America is so obese. People get drunk and get hungry. But the Hungry one does not merely suppress their alcohol induced appetite. Instead they raid the fridge and eat everything in sight. They have also been known to bite into decorative fruit bowls left around. Nothing is safe on a Drunchie Binge. Did you label leftovers? Doesn't matter. Is the  container of Oreos unopened? Irrelevant. Are the eggs completely raw? The details matter not. WARNING: Do not anger a Raging Hungry Drunk. Because if they don't get a chicken kabob in around their mouth, they will attack.

Remember my friends, alcoholics go to meetings, while drunks go to parties.