Boys, Boys, Boys.

Y'all might not know this, but boys are all over me. I go on at least 4 dates a week, I could open a flower shop with all the roses I'm presented with, guys have literally stopped my moving car in traffic to complement my beauty, and on occasion, I've been known to break up a fist fight between possible suitors. Ok now that April Fools day is over, lets get real. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date, and I'm pretty sure that the only people that have told me I'm beautiful are my parents, Christina Aguileria, and James Blunt. But just because I've never had a "real" relationship, doesn't mean that I haven't put myself out there, trust me, I have. In fact I've put myself in every possible situation to bump into the man of my dreams. Ok once again, that's not true, if I knew how to snag a guy we wouldn't be having this conversation. MTV and the like make it seem like everyone in college falls in love downtown at the club, but one thing is for sure, this is not the case. Ladies, just so we're clear, do not expect to meet The One at some club while you're dancing to "Head down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck." Prince Charming is not going to charge down on his white horse and say, “Oh she looks like a classy young lady, I should buy her dinner and treat her well.” It doesn’t work like that. He's thinking, “I am going to get her naked and not make her breakfast.” Also, if you think this to be true then not only do you know nothing about men, but you know nothing about horses either. Loud music and big groups make them skittish. Furthermore, every time I go to the club guys either swarm around me the minute I get there (cause I'm hot, duh), or I'm COMPLETELY ignored all night and left to stand in the corner picking my nose. But when last call rolls around and the DJ starts playing "Closing Time," BAM! all of a sudden I'm the Belle of the Ball. It's like I'm setting off every lonely drunk guys vagina radar and they're all on me like white on rice, trying to get their dicks wet. And I'm like "Ummm... I'll call us a cab." Hehe, no. It takes more than that to get a one night stand out of me, people. Also, if you honestly believe that you can start a relationship from a one night stand, then you have been fucked hard by Lifetime Movies. So, the club is a no go. Next stop? The library. The library is not a great place to meet a guy, unless you're comfortable with awkwardly going up to a table a starting a normal conversation, but why would you want to do that when you can just creepily stare at boys. You can literally stare to your hearts content at a beautiful boy, and if he catches you, you can just pretend to be deep in thought, then fake a "EUREKA" moment and fervently begin typing on your computer to pull it off. Once you've convinced him that you're just a hard worker and not a total psycho, stop pretending to work and continue staring.

In case I haven't made this abundantly clear, I am VERY single. even my father, who is the literal definition of oblivious, has noticed. Over break, he took me out to dinner and this conversation happened. (I'm not making any of this up):

"So, what's the dating scene like for 20 year olds these days?" 

"Haha umm if I knew I'd tell you!"

"So you're not seeing anyone? Not going on dates?"

"Uhhh... nope."

"And you aren't meeting guys?"

"No..." (at this point I was feeling pretty shitty about myself, then my dad dropped this bombshell)

"Well I've done some research and it seems like online dating is pretty cool right now, so if you want, I can pay for match.com or something."

MY OWN FATHER IS TRYING TO PIMP ME OUT ON MATCH.COM.  

Ok I know he's just trying to help, and he's doing it because he loves me and wants me to be happy, blah blah blah, but regardless. This is how single I am. But in my defense, I have some boyfriend prospects including: That-Guy-That-I-See-In-Line-For-Asian-Every-Tuesday. I am also accepting applications for boyfriend though, so tell your friends. Qualifications include: being single. I kid, I kid. Ok, not really. But kind of.

Well, ok I realize I look like a desperate floozy, but I want to make it clear that I have great friends and an awesome family, and my dog is REALLY cute, and I am happy at the place I'm at in my life. To quote Leslie Knope: "Friendships are totally better. Friends help you move, they drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you... and marry you..."