Things I Hated as a Child

Here's a list of things that really chapped my ass when I was in elementary school. Also, all of these things still suck today.

• Winnie The Pooh
• I hated these books with a fiery passion. First of all, what the fuck is a Pooh? Because I was under the impression that a pooh was what went in the toilet to be flushed into oblivion, not a little bear that I'm supposed to cherish and love. Furthermore, I never understood a single thing they were talking about in these books because the words were so British and enormous. The series had sentences like "Pooh left the facade with a surreptitious feeling of bewilderment at the goings on that proceeded." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I'm barely able to understand these books now. Like this is supposed to be a bedtime story, not an SAT prep class. Finally the gender ambiguity really freaked me out. I was not a very progressive child, and I enjoyed knowing the sex of book characters with abundant clarity, and Winnie The Pooh did not offer that. Case in point, Winnie is a girls name, but he's a boy. Oh also, I spelled tiger like tigger til I was at least 16. So there's that.
• Limited Too
• Ok I didn't hate Limited Too, I hated that I wasn't allowed to wear Limited Too. All I wanted was to wear a lavender tank top with the words "Glitter Is My Favorite Color" bedazzled across my prepubescent chest, but my mom was not having that. She literally told me once "You're not a child prostitute and I'm not dressing you like one." After that all I wanted to be was a prostitute. I had NO clue what it was, but dammit if i wasn't going to become one. My efforts were crushed by mom's incessant need to get my clothes at Costco.  
• Cursive
• Cursive is the biggest lie I've ever experienced in my entire life. I spent years learning a skill with the promise that it would be the most beneficial and important thing in the history of the universe. But on my first day of 7th grade at a brand new school, my English teacher was going over the syllabus while we were supposed to be filling out a piece of paper with our other classes, parents phone numbers, etc. I bravely raised my hand and asked if we were required to write our little info sheets in cursive. My teacher looked at me like I asked if it was ok to write it in my own blood and simply said "I don't care how you write it as long as I get the information." Umm, WHUUT. It was at this moment that I realized the past six years of my handwriting life were a total lie.
• Type to Learn
• Y'all I loved type to learn but I was so bad at it. Everyone else was on level 46 and rising fast and I was stuck dicking around in level 4 typing FJDK FJDK FJDK 20 times. I only occasionally got to play the games, but those were reserved for the people that could type like 97 words a minute. All I wanted was to be blessed with the typing skills of a successful secretary. I'm still embarrassed by how slow of a typer I am. 
• Little House on the Prairie
• These books should be renamed "Little Yawn on the Big Snore." I enjoyed these books at first, don't get me wrong, but  man did they get old fast. But I told my mom I liked them and she took it as "MOM I"M OBSESSED WITH THESE!! BUY ME ALL 47 OF THEM AND GET ME ALL OF THE ADDITION BOOK COMPANION SHIT TOO!!!!!." I had literally every book in this series and was basically an expert on dust storms, milking cows, and how to make an apron. Skills that are all very important for a girl growing up in Atlanta. I also had my own Little House on the Prairie sewing kit, embroidery kit, basket weaving kit, and bonnet making kit. Then I realized that it wasn't 1932 and moved on with my life.
• Family Car Trips
• Family car trips are the literal definition of Hell. First my dad had to shove all our shit into the trunk. But six people on a weeklong vacation = enough crapola to fill an entire storage unit, regardless my dad would spend 45 minutes stuffing luggage into the minivan's trunk Tetris style. Then he would spend another 45 minutes attaching a portable TV to a milk crate and wiring it to the cars stereo system so that the 4 of us little snots could be entertained during the drive. Meanwhile,  the rest of us had to stand and watch in case he decided he needed help. He never needed help. Once everything was situated we all piled in and got going. The drive really wasn't that bad at first. It was like "WOOHOOOO I'm going to the beach and it's going to be FUUN and this movie is FUUN and I'm having FUUN." Then the first movie ended. And my parents would be like "Hey I have an idea, let's listen to the radio!" and turn on NPR and I would have to listen to pointless blabber for an hour. There's always that point in the car trip when everyone goes insane. Suddenly it became very clear just how long I was going to be sitting in that spot. My brothers would realize that about the same time and my parents soon had an uprising on their hands. My younger brothers would start kicking the back of my seat and I would be crying and my older brother would be yelling at everyone to shut up and my parents would just turn up NPR louder in the hopes that the sound of boredom would shut us up. Spoiler Alert: It never did. My dad would pull over the car and start yelling. The scariest moments of my life were when my dad was yelling on car trips. He not only would threaten to turn the car around, but he would promise that if we didn't behave, we would never, EVER go on a vacation again. And that sure as hell shut us up. Then we would have to spend the rest of the trip listening to what our parents wanted to because we "lost our privilege to do what we wanted a long time ago." Sneaky parents making their kids feel bad so they can get what they want... Also I used to get really car sick and I always threw up on long car trips. Just an added little nugget as to why car rides suck the big one.