Let's Talk About Sex BAY-BEE

All right children it's time to talk about the birds and the bees. That's right, unless the title of this didn't make it glaringly clear, we're going to be talking about sex. Because who knows more about sex than a perpetually single 20 year old who spends her free time eating Fiber One brownies and cuddling with her dog? Oh yeah, that's right. NO ONE. See, I watch MTV, I'm hip, I know. And besides the guy in the dorm next to me is constantly having sex and I can hear it through the walls so yeah, I'm basically an expert. I was also in marching band in high school and that surely supplemented my knowledge about the whole sex scene. Just so we're clear, all the rumors about band people being extremely sexually active are 100% true. If we went 2 days without seeing a couple sneaking off to the tuba storage closet there was definite cause for concern, but I digress. 

Y'all the decision to have sex is definitely a big one. You need to really love the person and truly be ready, both physically and mentally. Unless of course you get drunk at a party and wake up the next morning and whoopsie-daisy you're lying naked next to some guy, who was way hotter last night, and there are used condoms scattering the floor. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened the night before... But whatever. Shit happens, move on! Or if you can't, you can just become a "Born-Again Virgin." Yes. They exist. All you have to do is say "I'm reclaiming my virginity" and KABLAMERS you're a virgin again. Like magic. I mean at least I think that's how it works...? I don't really know.  But BAV's are real. If you care that much your lazy ass can Googz that shit. But for all of you real virgins out there, you're not missing much. I mean kinda but thats not the point. YOU DO YOU, VIRGINS. No one's judging you, and no one cares, because it doesn't actually matter. Unless you end up on The Virgin Diaries on TLC. Those people are crazy. Again not the point GAH. 

But no matter how you go about it I think you should know that things that offer advice on sexy times suck. Like Cosmo for instance... It is considered the Bible for todays modern woman, but my Lord the things they say in there are pretty ridiculous. I'll admit the fashion stuff is always on point and the makeup tips are great, but the sex tips? Boy oh boy... They suck. 

I collected the top ten worst sex tips from Cosmo below:

10. "Hot Dog: Before giving him oral sex, position yourself so you're sitting to the side, almost perpendicular to his penis. Cup your hand around his member, creating a "bun" around his "hot dog." Then kiss the part of his penis that's exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his member feel superhot. With your other hand, work his testicles. He'll think he has died and gone to heaven." Shape aside, there is NOTHING sexy about a hotdog. 
9.  "My girl would pretend she didn't want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open."  Are you sure she was pretending...?
8. "Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it." Wet butt yummy. 
7. "Midbooty, pull away then scoot down and put your mouth on my shaft. Knowing that you're tasting your juices drives me wild." Well, to each his own... I guess? Also "midbooty?"
6. "Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around." Ouch... How is a scalding mouth/penis at all fun?
5. "Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm." Mmm... hand sex.
4. "My girl held my tongue in place with her teeth during a make-out session while she tickled the tip with her own tongue. Electrifying." Nothing like playing "Just the Tip" with someones tongue.
3."The best oral I ever got happened while I was hanging from the chin-up bar I keep in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure." You better 
be damn strong.
2. "News Flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you'd think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands graze my package." Wait, guys have nipples? Why wasn't I informed of this sooner?
1. "Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off." Some fat hag at Cosmo wrote this to fuck with everyone. This isn't sexy. Delicious? Yes. Sexy? No. 
I mean you don't really need tips, it's pretty straight forward. If my dog, who eats his own shit sometimes, can figure out how to hump his teddy bear chew toy, than you can figure out how to bump and grind with yo' boo. Hehe, but seriously. So, in the words of God, Go forth and multiply, betches.