What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Greetings Earthlings! Now that school is back in session, I can focus on the important things again: Ignoring my school work and bitching and ranting over the internet. Today we're talking about the ever lovely alcohol, but more importantly, the effects of it. This is not a public service announcement about the dangers of binge drinking on college campuses, but more of a insight as to what asshole you turn into when you drink. I have been to many a party, tailgate, soiree, orgy, etc and therefore have had many an opportunity to observe drunks in their natural environment. So here we go...

WHAT KIND OF DRUNK ARE YOU?

• The One That Thinks They're Hot
• Unless you like slobbery no sober being is attracted to a drunk person, ever. But damn if this person doesn't think they are the hottest thing since Borat's man-kini. 
• Their drunkenness usually manifests itself in thoughts like ....
• "Every boy here wants to make out with me!"
• "I have great boobs, why don't I show them to the entire party?!"
• "Every girl here wants to make out with me"
• The Slut
• This drunk is similar to the "Think They're Hot" drunk, but they act on their Porn Star thoughts. This is the girl that stands on table topless, swinging her bra over her head. This is the guy that decides a living room couch is the perfect place to enact his favorite nudey flick scene. The worst part about these hos is that they NEVER pair up with each other, instead choosing to prey on innocent bystanders.
• The "DJ"
• We all know the person who gets drunk and automatically thinks they are deadmou5 incarnate and that the entire party would benefit from their secret Ke$ha collection. No one would benefit from that. However, this person insists on unplugging the stereo system so that the whole party can listen to their Garage Band remixes played through their iPhone speakers. Cause nothing gets a party bumping and grinding like do-it-yourself dub step.
• The Emotional One
• This is the person that cries about everything in real life anyways, so adding alcohol to the mix just creates an emotional shit storm. They will blabber to anyone who will listen about how the girl that sat next to them in fourth grade stole their favorite pen and never gave it back. While this ball of tears and snot usually manifests in ladies, men have been known to take on this form. Case in point: the guy that gets drunk and in turn unloads every time a woman did him wrong. Luckily for the rest of us, these Dr. Phil rejects naturally attract each other and can be left to have heart to hearts in the corner. 
• The Drunk Texter
• Ever gotten a text message at 2:47 that says "heyyyyyy babrby!!!!! 4i realyl wnat to be youurs girlfraint. next tioerm i see yyiu im gonnabt bt lll ova youuuuuu!!!!! :) :);0"? Because it was from this drunk. The Drunk Texter is the one most likely to derail their entire social life in 140 characters or less. 
• The Aggressor
• This person is intimidating in real life, but when they're drunk, they're downright frightening. For guys, the aggression manifests in punching the guy who just beat him in pong, kicking over a chair that's in his way, or carving "fuck" or a giant penis onto an antique table with a butter knife. For girls, This aggression is shown in hating on other peoples outfits, judging the shitty music, rating every boy on a 1-10 scale and basically acting the same way girls act all the time.
• The Pretend Drunk/The Lightweight
• This person has two sips of Mike's Hard and is plastered. Whether they're actually drunk or not is irrelevant. By far the most annoying drunk is this one. They run around the entire place announcing to everyone that they are "Ssoooooooooo gonnneeeeeeee!!!!" Other favorite phrases of this person are
• "I can already feel my hangover coming on"
• "I NEED A SOBER DRIVER!"
• "What's my name again?"
• The One With The Drunchies
• Drunk + Munchies = Drunchies. The Drunchies is the reason America is so obese. People get drunk and get hungry. But the Hungry one does not merely suppress their alcohol induced appetite. Instead they raid the fridge and eat everything in sight. They have also been known to bite into decorative fruit bowls left around. Nothing is safe on a Drunchie Binge. Did you label leftovers? Doesn't matter. Is the  container of Oreos unopened? Irrelevant. Are the eggs completely raw? The details matter not. WARNING: Do not anger a Raging Hungry Drunk. Because if they don't get a chicken kabob in around their mouth, they will attack.

Remember my friends, alcoholics go to meetings, while drunks go to parties.