What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Greetings Earthlings! Now that school is back in session, I can focus on the important things again: Ignoring my school work and bitching and ranting over the internet. Today we're talking about the ever lovely alcohol, but more importantly, the effects of it. This is not a public service announcement about the dangers of binge drinking on college campuses, but more of a insight as to what asshole you turn into when you drink. I have been to many a party, tailgate, soiree, orgy, etc and therefore have had many an opportunity to observe drunks in their natural environment. So here we go...

WHAT KIND OF DRUNK ARE YOU?

• The One That Thinks They're Hot
• Unless you like slobbery no sober being is attracted to a drunk person, ever. But damn if this person doesn't think they are the hottest thing since Borat's man-kini. 
• Their drunkenness usually manifests itself in thoughts like ....
• "Every boy here wants to make out with me!"
• "I have great boobs, why don't I show them to the entire party?!"
• "Every girl here wants to make out with me"
• The Slut
• This drunk is similar to the "Think They're Hot" drunk, but they act on their Porn Star thoughts. This is the girl that stands on table topless, swinging her bra over her head. This is the guy that decides a living room couch is the perfect place to enact his favorite nudey flick scene. The worst part about these hos is that they NEVER pair up with each other, instead choosing to prey on innocent bystanders.
• The "DJ"
• We all know the person who gets drunk and automatically thinks they are deadmou5 incarnate and that the entire party would benefit from their secret Ke$ha collection. No one would benefit from that. However, this person insists on unplugging the stereo system so that the whole party can listen to their Garage Band remixes played through their iPhone speakers. Cause nothing gets a party bumping and grinding like do-it-yourself dub step.
• The Emotional One
• This is the person that cries about everything in real life anyways, so adding alcohol to the mix just creates an emotional shit storm. They will blabber to anyone who will listen about how the girl that sat next to them in fourth grade stole their favorite pen and never gave it back. While this ball of tears and snot usually manifests in ladies, men have been known to take on this form. Case in point: the guy that gets drunk and in turn unloads every time a woman did him wrong. Luckily for the rest of us, these Dr. Phil rejects naturally attract each other and can be left to have heart to hearts in the corner. 
• The Drunk Texter
• Ever gotten a text message at 2:47 that says "heyyyyyy babrby!!!!! 4i realyl wnat to be youurs girlfraint. next tioerm i see yyiu im gonnabt bt lll ova youuuuuu!!!!! :) :);0"? Because it was from this drunk. The Drunk Texter is the one most likely to derail their entire social life in 140 characters or less. 
• The Aggressor
• This person is intimidating in real life, but when they're drunk, they're downright frightening. For guys, the aggression manifests in punching the guy who just beat him in pong, kicking over a chair that's in his way, or carving "fuck" or a giant penis onto an antique table with a butter knife. For girls, This aggression is shown in hating on other peoples outfits, judging the shitty music, rating every boy on a 1-10 scale and basically acting the same way girls act all the time.
• The Pretend Drunk/The Lightweight
• This person has two sips of Mike's Hard and is plastered. Whether they're actually drunk or not is irrelevant. By far the most annoying drunk is this one. They run around the entire place announcing to everyone that they are "Ssoooooooooo gonnneeeeeeee!!!!" Other favorite phrases of this person are
• "I can already feel my hangover coming on"
• "I NEED A SOBER DRIVER!"
• "What's my name again?"
• The One With The Drunchies
• Drunk + Munchies = Drunchies. The Drunchies is the reason America is so obese. People get drunk and get hungry. But the Hungry one does not merely suppress their alcohol induced appetite. Instead they raid the fridge and eat everything in sight. They have also been known to bite into decorative fruit bowls left around. Nothing is safe on a Drunchie Binge. Did you label leftovers? Doesn't matter. Is the  container of Oreos unopened? Irrelevant. Are the eggs completely raw? The details matter not. WARNING: Do not anger a Raging Hungry Drunk. Because if they don't get a chicken kabob in around their mouth, they will attack.

Remember my friends, alcoholics go to meetings, while drunks go to parties. 

Let's Talk About Sex BAY-BEE

All right children it's time to talk about the birds and the bees. That's right, unless the title of this didn't make it glaringly clear, we're going to be talking about sex. Because who knows more about sex than a perpetually single 20 year old who spends her free time eating Fiber One brownies and cuddling with her dog? Oh yeah, that's right. NO ONE. See, I watch MTV, I'm hip, I know. And besides the guy in the dorm next to me is constantly having sex and I can hear it through the walls so yeah, I'm basically an expert. I was also in marching band in high school and that surely supplemented my knowledge about the whole sex scene. Just so we're clear, all the rumors about band people being extremely sexually active are 100% true. If we went 2 days without seeing a couple sneaking off to the tuba storage closet there was definite cause for concern, but I digress. 

Y'all the decision to have sex is definitely a big one. You need to really love the person and truly be ready, both physically and mentally. Unless of course you get drunk at a party and wake up the next morning and whoopsie-daisy you're lying naked next to some guy, who was way hotter last night, and there are used condoms scattering the floor. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened the night before... But whatever. Shit happens, move on! Or if you can't, you can just become a "Born-Again Virgin." Yes. They exist. All you have to do is say "I'm reclaiming my virginity" and KABLAMERS you're a virgin again. Like magic. I mean at least I think that's how it works...? I don't really know.  But BAV's are real. If you care that much your lazy ass can Googz that shit. But for all of you real virgins out there, you're not missing much. I mean kinda but thats not the point. YOU DO YOU, VIRGINS. No one's judging you, and no one cares, because it doesn't actually matter. Unless you end up on The Virgin Diaries on TLC. Those people are crazy. Again not the point GAH. 

But no matter how you go about it I think you should know that things that offer advice on sexy times suck. Like Cosmo for instance... It is considered the Bible for todays modern woman, but my Lord the things they say in there are pretty ridiculous. I'll admit the fashion stuff is always on point and the makeup tips are great, but the sex tips? Boy oh boy... They suck. 

I collected the top ten worst sex tips from Cosmo below:

10. "Hot Dog: Before giving him oral sex, position yourself so you're sitting to the side, almost perpendicular to his penis. Cup your hand around his member, creating a "bun" around his "hot dog." Then kiss the part of his penis that's exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his member feel superhot. With your other hand, work his testicles. He'll think he has died and gone to heaven." Shape aside, there is NOTHING sexy about a hotdog. 
9.  "My girl would pretend she didn't want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open."  Are you sure she was pretending...?
8. "Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it." Wet butt yummy. 
7. "Midbooty, pull away then scoot down and put your mouth on my shaft. Knowing that you're tasting your juices drives me wild." Well, to each his own... I guess? Also "midbooty?"
6. "Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around." Ouch... How is a scalding mouth/penis at all fun?
5. "Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm." Mmm... hand sex.
4. "My girl held my tongue in place with her teeth during a make-out session while she tickled the tip with her own tongue. Electrifying." Nothing like playing "Just the Tip" with someones tongue.
3."The best oral I ever got happened while I was hanging from the chin-up bar I keep in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure." You better 
be damn strong.
2. "News Flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you'd think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands graze my package." Wait, guys have nipples? Why wasn't I informed of this sooner?
1. "Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off." Some fat hag at Cosmo wrote this to fuck with everyone. This isn't sexy. Delicious? Yes. Sexy? No. 
I mean you don't really need tips, it's pretty straight forward. If my dog, who eats his own shit sometimes, can figure out how to hump his teddy bear chew toy, than you can figure out how to bump and grind with yo' boo. Hehe, but seriously. So, in the words of God, Go forth and multiply, betches. 

How To Delete Unnecessary Friends From Facebook

I have always been the Queen of Facebook. Don't argue with me. I'm better at Facebook than you are. (That sentence can also be interpreted as: "My life revolves around watching everyone else have fun"). I kid you not, one time I saw this really cute guy in the library and I didn't say a single word to him, but I was able to find them on Facebook within 30 minutes. I'm not sure why I'm bragging about that. Either way, my extreme stalker tendencies have left me with over 1200 friends. Let's be real. NO ONE ACTUALLY HAS 1200 FRIENDS. Especially me. I've tried many times to delete friends but I get through the B's and I'm like well that was fun, I'm gonna go eat a sandwich. But last week I decided to sit down and seriously delete all these assholes infiltrating my life. I made a strict set of rules that I found very helpful, For every person I asked myself a series of questions and based on the answer I determined whether they deserved the honor of being my friend.

Guide to Deleting Facebook Friends

• People You Went to High School With
• The "Former Friend"
• If you've gotten a "Hi my name is so and so, we used to be friends... I don't know if you remember me...?" post in the past two months, delete them. First of all, assholes who say shit like that think they're clever, but they're not, and that right there is grounds for deletion. Next this is the bitchiest wall post in the history of Facebook. Like it seriously is the most passive aggressive thing ever. It's like you eating in a restaurant and having a really great server and then you don't go back to the restaurant for months, but one day you show up out of the blue and go up to the server and say "Hi ummm remember me? you used to bring me food but you haven't in a while... what gives?" Friendship works both way people.  If this person is too stupid to realize that why y'all haven't talked in months is because they suck, then unfriending them will send that message loud and clear.
• The One That Will End Up On Maury
• Everyone has that special someone from high school that they never talked to, but  whose life you can watch fall apart via Facebook status. Is this person addicted to drugs? Is this person going to get pregnant with a bastard child from the guy they've been dating for 3 months? Is this person on the brink of a total mental breakdown? Does this person broadcast their alcoholic tendencies all over your NewsFeed? Is this person going to end up in jail for cooking meth in his mom's basement? Do you want to watch this train wreck happen? yes-keep, no-delete.
• The Sexy One
• This is self explanatory, if you think they're hot, keep them. Moving on...
• The One That's Obsessed With You
• Everyone has that one random person that is all over your Facebook. This is someone you probably never talked to in high school, but after graduation all of a sudden they like everything you put on your page and comment on all your photos. They probably have a file of your profile pictures saved to their computer. You can't delete this poor soul, for all you know your Facebook is their only reason for living. 
• Everyone Else
• If you didn't talk to them in high school and their Facebook is nothing exciting, why are you keeping them around? Really?
• Now Moving on to College Friends, college is different because most of your college friends you have to keep around for some reason or another, you can't just drop them like those high school assholes.
• The People You're in Organizations With
• I can't just unfriend the girls in my sorority that I don't like. You know why? Because we're SISTERS. WE HAVE A BOND. You have to keep these suckers.... there's no way around it. Sorry.
• The Kids In Your Class
• As long as you're in class with someone, you HAVE to stay friends with them. Otherwise, they'll get mad and won't let you cheat off their midterm. But, the second that final is over, you can unfriend. The same goes for people on your hall, the second you move out delete those creeps.
• The People You're Actually Friends With
• Why would you want to unfriend them? They're Fun. 
• Old People 
• People over the age of 35 don't understand Facebook. There is nothing more I want to do then unfriend the people that comment things like "You're growing up into a beautiful young lady! tell you mother I say Hi! From, Barbara." Dammit Barbara, you're sweet thanks. But go away. You can try to unfriend them, but they'll just get confused and re-friend.
• Your Family
• You can unfriend them, but the number of family members you're friends with on Facebook is directly related to the number of presents you get come Christmas time

I hope y'all found this helpful, I certainly did, I deleted 400 people with this little method. And when it really boils down to it, ask your self "If they died tomorrow would I go to the funeral, would I care?" if the answer is No, then they have no place on your Facebook. 

Things I Hated as a Child

Here's a list of things that really chapped my ass when I was in elementary school. Also, all of these things still suck today.

• Winnie The Pooh
• I hated these books with a fiery passion. First of all, what the fuck is a Pooh? Because I was under the impression that a pooh was what went in the toilet to be flushed into oblivion, not a little bear that I'm supposed to cherish and love. Furthermore, I never understood a single thing they were talking about in these books because the words were so British and enormous. The series had sentences like "Pooh left the facade with a surreptitious feeling of bewilderment at the goings on that proceeded." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I'm barely able to understand these books now. Like this is supposed to be a bedtime story, not an SAT prep class. Finally the gender ambiguity really freaked me out. I was not a very progressive child, and I enjoyed knowing the sex of book characters with abundant clarity, and Winnie The Pooh did not offer that. Case in point, Winnie is a girls name, but he's a boy. Oh also, I spelled tiger like tigger til I was at least 16. So there's that.
• Limited Too
• Ok I didn't hate Limited Too, I hated that I wasn't allowed to wear Limited Too. All I wanted was to wear a lavender tank top with the words "Glitter Is My Favorite Color" bedazzled across my prepubescent chest, but my mom was not having that. She literally told me once "You're not a child prostitute and I'm not dressing you like one." After that all I wanted to be was a prostitute. I had NO clue what it was, but dammit if i wasn't going to become one. My efforts were crushed by mom's incessant need to get my clothes at Costco.  
• Cursive
• Cursive is the biggest lie I've ever experienced in my entire life. I spent years learning a skill with the promise that it would be the most beneficial and important thing in the history of the universe. But on my first day of 7th grade at a brand new school, my English teacher was going over the syllabus while we were supposed to be filling out a piece of paper with our other classes, parents phone numbers, etc. I bravely raised my hand and asked if we were required to write our little info sheets in cursive. My teacher looked at me like I asked if it was ok to write it in my own blood and simply said "I don't care how you write it as long as I get the information." Umm, WHUUT. It was at this moment that I realized the past six years of my handwriting life were a total lie.
• Type to Learn
• Y'all I loved type to learn but I was so bad at it. Everyone else was on level 46 and rising fast and I was stuck dicking around in level 4 typing FJDK FJDK FJDK 20 times. I only occasionally got to play the games, but those were reserved for the people that could type like 97 words a minute. All I wanted was to be blessed with the typing skills of a successful secretary. I'm still embarrassed by how slow of a typer I am. 
• Little House on the Prairie
• These books should be renamed "Little Yawn on the Big Snore." I enjoyed these books at first, don't get me wrong, but  man did they get old fast. But I told my mom I liked them and she took it as "MOM I"M OBSESSED WITH THESE!! BUY ME ALL 47 OF THEM AND GET ME ALL OF THE ADDITION BOOK COMPANION SHIT TOO!!!!!." I had literally every book in this series and was basically an expert on dust storms, milking cows, and how to make an apron. Skills that are all very important for a girl growing up in Atlanta. I also had my own Little House on the Prairie sewing kit, embroidery kit, basket weaving kit, and bonnet making kit. Then I realized that it wasn't 1932 and moved on with my life.
• Family Car Trips
• Family car trips are the literal definition of Hell. First my dad had to shove all our shit into the trunk. But six people on a weeklong vacation = enough crapola to fill an entire storage unit, regardless my dad would spend 45 minutes stuffing luggage into the minivan's trunk Tetris style. Then he would spend another 45 minutes attaching a portable TV to a milk crate and wiring it to the cars stereo system so that the 4 of us little snots could be entertained during the drive. Meanwhile,  the rest of us had to stand and watch in case he decided he needed help. He never needed help. Once everything was situated we all piled in and got going. The drive really wasn't that bad at first. It was like "WOOHOOOO I'm going to the beach and it's going to be FUUN and this movie is FUUN and I'm having FUUN." Then the first movie ended. And my parents would be like "Hey I have an idea, let's listen to the radio!" and turn on NPR and I would have to listen to pointless blabber for an hour. There's always that point in the car trip when everyone goes insane. Suddenly it became very clear just how long I was going to be sitting in that spot. My brothers would realize that about the same time and my parents soon had an uprising on their hands. My younger brothers would start kicking the back of my seat and I would be crying and my older brother would be yelling at everyone to shut up and my parents would just turn up NPR louder in the hopes that the sound of boredom would shut us up. Spoiler Alert: It never did. My dad would pull over the car and start yelling. The scariest moments of my life were when my dad was yelling on car trips. He not only would threaten to turn the car around, but he would promise that if we didn't behave, we would never, EVER go on a vacation again. And that sure as hell shut us up. Then we would have to spend the rest of the trip listening to what our parents wanted to because we "lost our privilege to do what we wanted a long time ago." Sneaky parents making their kids feel bad so they can get what they want... Also I used to get really car sick and I always threw up on long car trips. Just an added little nugget as to why car rides suck the big one.