Top 9 Things To Do When Your Friends Are Out On Dates

This week my two besties got boyfriends (read: guys that take my friends attention away from me) at the same time. Also, they both had plans with said men on Saturday night, leaving me to sit alone in my room with my thumb up my butt. I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be a regular occurrence, so to save myself from my impending boredom, I have come up with a list of things to do when my friends have dates. Hopefully these tips will help you single people too!

9. I recently joined Pinterest, and set out crafting with the ultimate hopes of dying happily in a pool of melted crayons.  However, I quickly learned that it is expensive to make that shit, so instead focus on creating your own projects like making a mobile out of a stick and some pine cones or a picture frame out of old q-tips (the ear crust makes a nice yellow accent) or mold figurines out of the tub of vaseline that's just going to waste on your bedside table. 

8. Plan outfits and hair/makeup combo's that you'll one day get to use on your own date! The practice of making yourself look like a normal and dateable person will come in handy when you finally meet that guy from match.com in real life. Don't worry about washing away your makeup before bed, your tears work just as well as any top of the line makeup remover!

7. Follow your friend on their date and write down any noteworthy occurrences. Did you notice the guy check his watch? Clearly he's trying to make sure he gets to his OTHER date on time. Did the girl drop her fork after one sip of wine? Total alcoholic. Every event needs to be documented-your friend will appreciate your unbiased observations!

6. Do your homework for the upcoming week. Hell, while you're at it, do your homework for the rest of the semester! I mean let's be honest, it's not like you have any big things like one month anniversary's or couples trivia night to distract you. You should even bump up your course load or add some online classes! This is your opportunity to become the student you were born to be.

5. Reconnect with that guy you had a  crush on all through high school. Shoot him a friendly little message! Don't know what to say? Copy and paste this: "Heyyyy, Listen so I know we haven't talked since that time you told me to stop putting a bunch of anonymous love notes on you locker in the 10th grade, but I've been thinking, we should totally get together sometime! I mean I think of you whenever I see a MasterLock, and I'm sure you think of me whenever you see a poem that begins with 'Roses are red, Violets are blue' so just think about it, get back to me, I'm ALWAYS available. XOXOXOXOXO PS- you're looking SO sexy in your recently tagged pictures, especially the ones at the beach.... ;) ;) ;)" They'll think it's so sweet that you still love them!

4. Go out on your own and find a party to crash. Just because you know no one at the house, doesn't meant you won't be a fabulous addition! Create an alias and enter a world all your own! Also, maybe you can find someone to shack up with and that's always a plus.

3. Send out mass e-mails to the people in all your classes. There is nothing I love more than logging into my email and seeing 17 new messages waiting for me! It's like 17 people saying "let's be friends!!" (or it's 17 people saying "when's the test?"). Either way, you should send out an message ala Craig's List Missed Connections. "Hey Class, I made eye contact with this really cute guy in class 36 times today. He was wearing a yellow shirt and had hair the color of a unicorn's mane. His eyes were as deep as the blue on the cover of our textbook. Are you that guy? Let me know... Our destiny is waiting. Signed, Jonesing for you in Journalism" There doesn't even have to be a yellow shirted, unicorn mane haired, textbook cover blue eyed guy in your class, your class will appreciate the email regardless and if your class is big enough, statistically, some lonely hack will answer. 

2. Finally teach yourself how to play the recorder with your nose! This is a very marketable skill people.

1. If all else fails, you can always start a blog.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Greetings Earthlings! Now that school is back in session, I can focus on the important things again: Ignoring my school work and bitching and ranting over the internet. Today we're talking about the ever lovely alcohol, but more importantly, the effects of it. This is not a public service announcement about the dangers of binge drinking on college campuses, but more of a insight as to what asshole you turn into when you drink. I have been to many a party, tailgate, soiree, orgy, etc and therefore have had many an opportunity to observe drunks in their natural environment. So here we go...

WHAT KIND OF DRUNK ARE YOU?

• The One That Thinks They're Hot
• Unless you like slobbery no sober being is attracted to a drunk person, ever. But damn if this person doesn't think they are the hottest thing since Borat's man-kini. 
• Their drunkenness usually manifests itself in thoughts like ....
• "Every boy here wants to make out with me!"
• "I have great boobs, why don't I show them to the entire party?!"
• "Every girl here wants to make out with me"
• The Slut
• This drunk is similar to the "Think They're Hot" drunk, but they act on their Porn Star thoughts. This is the girl that stands on table topless, swinging her bra over her head. This is the guy that decides a living room couch is the perfect place to enact his favorite nudey flick scene. The worst part about these hos is that they NEVER pair up with each other, instead choosing to prey on innocent bystanders.
• The "DJ"
• We all know the person who gets drunk and automatically thinks they are deadmou5 incarnate and that the entire party would benefit from their secret Ke$ha collection. No one would benefit from that. However, this person insists on unplugging the stereo system so that the whole party can listen to their Garage Band remixes played through their iPhone speakers. Cause nothing gets a party bumping and grinding like do-it-yourself dub step.
• The Emotional One
• This is the person that cries about everything in real life anyways, so adding alcohol to the mix just creates an emotional shit storm. They will blabber to anyone who will listen about how the girl that sat next to them in fourth grade stole their favorite pen and never gave it back. While this ball of tears and snot usually manifests in ladies, men have been known to take on this form. Case in point: the guy that gets drunk and in turn unloads every time a woman did him wrong. Luckily for the rest of us, these Dr. Phil rejects naturally attract each other and can be left to have heart to hearts in the corner. 
• The Drunk Texter
• Ever gotten a text message at 2:47 that says "heyyyyyy babrby!!!!! 4i realyl wnat to be youurs girlfraint. next tioerm i see yyiu im gonnabt bt lll ova youuuuuu!!!!! :) :);0"? Because it was from this drunk. The Drunk Texter is the one most likely to derail their entire social life in 140 characters or less. 
• The Aggressor
• This person is intimidating in real life, but when they're drunk, they're downright frightening. For guys, the aggression manifests in punching the guy who just beat him in pong, kicking over a chair that's in his way, or carving "fuck" or a giant penis onto an antique table with a butter knife. For girls, This aggression is shown in hating on other peoples outfits, judging the shitty music, rating every boy on a 1-10 scale and basically acting the same way girls act all the time.
• The Pretend Drunk/The Lightweight
• This person has two sips of Mike's Hard and is plastered. Whether they're actually drunk or not is irrelevant. By far the most annoying drunk is this one. They run around the entire place announcing to everyone that they are "Ssoooooooooo gonnneeeeeeee!!!!" Other favorite phrases of this person are
• "I can already feel my hangover coming on"
• "I NEED A SOBER DRIVER!"
• "What's my name again?"
• The One With The Drunchies
• Drunk + Munchies = Drunchies. The Drunchies is the reason America is so obese. People get drunk and get hungry. But the Hungry one does not merely suppress their alcohol induced appetite. Instead they raid the fridge and eat everything in sight. They have also been known to bite into decorative fruit bowls left around. Nothing is safe on a Drunchie Binge. Did you label leftovers? Doesn't matter. Is the  container of Oreos unopened? Irrelevant. Are the eggs completely raw? The details matter not. WARNING: Do not anger a Raging Hungry Drunk. Because if they don't get a chicken kabob in around their mouth, they will attack.

Remember my friends, alcoholics go to meetings, while drunks go to parties. 

Let's Talk About Sex BAY-BEE

All right children it's time to talk about the birds and the bees. That's right, unless the title of this didn't make it glaringly clear, we're going to be talking about sex. Because who knows more about sex than a perpetually single 20 year old who spends her free time eating Fiber One brownies and cuddling with her dog? Oh yeah, that's right. NO ONE. See, I watch MTV, I'm hip, I know. And besides the guy in the dorm next to me is constantly having sex and I can hear it through the walls so yeah, I'm basically an expert. I was also in marching band in high school and that surely supplemented my knowledge about the whole sex scene. Just so we're clear, all the rumors about band people being extremely sexually active are 100% true. If we went 2 days without seeing a couple sneaking off to the tuba storage closet there was definite cause for concern, but I digress. 

Y'all the decision to have sex is definitely a big one. You need to really love the person and truly be ready, both physically and mentally. Unless of course you get drunk at a party and wake up the next morning and whoopsie-daisy you're lying naked next to some guy, who was way hotter last night, and there are used condoms scattering the floor. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened the night before... But whatever. Shit happens, move on! Or if you can't, you can just become a "Born-Again Virgin." Yes. They exist. All you have to do is say "I'm reclaiming my virginity" and KABLAMERS you're a virgin again. Like magic. I mean at least I think that's how it works...? I don't really know.  But BAV's are real. If you care that much your lazy ass can Googz that shit. But for all of you real virgins out there, you're not missing much. I mean kinda but thats not the point. YOU DO YOU, VIRGINS. No one's judging you, and no one cares, because it doesn't actually matter. Unless you end up on The Virgin Diaries on TLC. Those people are crazy. Again not the point GAH. 

But no matter how you go about it I think you should know that things that offer advice on sexy times suck. Like Cosmo for instance... It is considered the Bible for todays modern woman, but my Lord the things they say in there are pretty ridiculous. I'll admit the fashion stuff is always on point and the makeup tips are great, but the sex tips? Boy oh boy... They suck. 

I collected the top ten worst sex tips from Cosmo below:

10. "Hot Dog: Before giving him oral sex, position yourself so you're sitting to the side, almost perpendicular to his penis. Cup your hand around his member, creating a "bun" around his "hot dog." Then kiss the part of his penis that's exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his member feel superhot. With your other hand, work his testicles. He'll think he has died and gone to heaven." Shape aside, there is NOTHING sexy about a hotdog. 
9.  "My girl would pretend she didn't want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open."  Are you sure she was pretending...?
8. "Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it." Wet butt yummy. 
7. "Midbooty, pull away then scoot down and put your mouth on my shaft. Knowing that you're tasting your juices drives me wild." Well, to each his own... I guess? Also "midbooty?"
6. "Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around." Ouch... How is a scalding mouth/penis at all fun?
5. "Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm." Mmm... hand sex.
4. "My girl held my tongue in place with her teeth during a make-out session while she tickled the tip with her own tongue. Electrifying." Nothing like playing "Just the Tip" with someones tongue.
3."The best oral I ever got happened while I was hanging from the chin-up bar I keep in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure." You better 
be damn strong.
2. "News Flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you'd think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands graze my package." Wait, guys have nipples? Why wasn't I informed of this sooner?
1. "Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off." Some fat hag at Cosmo wrote this to fuck with everyone. This isn't sexy. Delicious? Yes. Sexy? No. 
I mean you don't really need tips, it's pretty straight forward. If my dog, who eats his own shit sometimes, can figure out how to hump his teddy bear chew toy, than you can figure out how to bump and grind with yo' boo. Hehe, but seriously. So, in the words of God, Go forth and multiply, betches. 

How To Delete Unnecessary Friends From Facebook

I have always been the Queen of Facebook. Don't argue with me. I'm better at Facebook than you are. (That sentence can also be interpreted as: "My life revolves around watching everyone else have fun"). I kid you not, one time I saw this really cute guy in the library and I didn't say a single word to him, but I was able to find them on Facebook within 30 minutes. I'm not sure why I'm bragging about that. Either way, my extreme stalker tendencies have left me with over 1200 friends. Let's be real. NO ONE ACTUALLY HAS 1200 FRIENDS. Especially me. I've tried many times to delete friends but I get through the B's and I'm like well that was fun, I'm gonna go eat a sandwich. But last week I decided to sit down and seriously delete all these assholes infiltrating my life. I made a strict set of rules that I found very helpful, For every person I asked myself a series of questions and based on the answer I determined whether they deserved the honor of being my friend.

Guide to Deleting Facebook Friends

• People You Went to High School With
• The "Former Friend"
• If you've gotten a "Hi my name is so and so, we used to be friends... I don't know if you remember me...?" post in the past two months, delete them. First of all, assholes who say shit like that think they're clever, but they're not, and that right there is grounds for deletion. Next this is the bitchiest wall post in the history of Facebook. Like it seriously is the most passive aggressive thing ever. It's like you eating in a restaurant and having a really great server and then you don't go back to the restaurant for months, but one day you show up out of the blue and go up to the server and say "Hi ummm remember me? you used to bring me food but you haven't in a while... what gives?" Friendship works both way people.  If this person is too stupid to realize that why y'all haven't talked in months is because they suck, then unfriending them will send that message loud and clear.
• The One That Will End Up On Maury
• Everyone has that special someone from high school that they never talked to, but  whose life you can watch fall apart via Facebook status. Is this person addicted to drugs? Is this person going to get pregnant with a bastard child from the guy they've been dating for 3 months? Is this person on the brink of a total mental breakdown? Does this person broadcast their alcoholic tendencies all over your NewsFeed? Is this person going to end up in jail for cooking meth in his mom's basement? Do you want to watch this train wreck happen? yes-keep, no-delete.
• The Sexy One
• This is self explanatory, if you think they're hot, keep them. Moving on...
• The One That's Obsessed With You
• Everyone has that one random person that is all over your Facebook. This is someone you probably never talked to in high school, but after graduation all of a sudden they like everything you put on your page and comment on all your photos. They probably have a file of your profile pictures saved to their computer. You can't delete this poor soul, for all you know your Facebook is their only reason for living. 
• Everyone Else
• If you didn't talk to them in high school and their Facebook is nothing exciting, why are you keeping them around? Really?
• Now Moving on to College Friends, college is different because most of your college friends you have to keep around for some reason or another, you can't just drop them like those high school assholes.
• The People You're in Organizations With
• I can't just unfriend the girls in my sorority that I don't like. You know why? Because we're SISTERS. WE HAVE A BOND. You have to keep these suckers.... there's no way around it. Sorry.
• The Kids In Your Class
• As long as you're in class with someone, you HAVE to stay friends with them. Otherwise, they'll get mad and won't let you cheat off their midterm. But, the second that final is over, you can unfriend. The same goes for people on your hall, the second you move out delete those creeps.
• The People You're Actually Friends With
• Why would you want to unfriend them? They're Fun. 
• Old People 
• People over the age of 35 don't understand Facebook. There is nothing more I want to do then unfriend the people that comment things like "You're growing up into a beautiful young lady! tell you mother I say Hi! From, Barbara." Dammit Barbara, you're sweet thanks. But go away. You can try to unfriend them, but they'll just get confused and re-friend.
• Your Family
• You can unfriend them, but the number of family members you're friends with on Facebook is directly related to the number of presents you get come Christmas time

I hope y'all found this helpful, I certainly did, I deleted 400 people with this little method. And when it really boils down to it, ask your self "If they died tomorrow would I go to the funeral, would I care?" if the answer is No, then they have no place on your Facebook.