A Blantant Misuse of the "Email All" Button

 

The 6 People You Meet in College

The Hipster.

Hipsters can often be found at the local coffee shop discussing how MGMT really sold out. There is clearly some sort of highly contagious eye disease running rampant through hipsters that can only be cured by Ray Bans. Hipster boys interests include vinyl records, mustaches, and jeans that could easily fit any prepubescent girl. The girls are rocking a solid A cup under their grandpa's old sweater. These ladies have 2 haircuts that they do NOT stray from. The first being "The 50/50"-  50% bangs, 50% face. The other being the "I Just Had A Brain Tumor Removed" as shown with a half shaved head. Hipsters can also be seen whizzing past you on their fixed gear bikes; riding with the pride of a cowboy on a stallion.

The Bromosexual

The Bromosexual, or closeted frat boy, is very rare, but boy are they real. They can be found riding on the back of a scooter with their arms gently wrapped around their fellow Bro, and hoping this "Bro-back Mountain" embrace will stay forever. They are all too enthusiastic to use their family's money on Brooks Brothers and J. Crew shopping sprees.  However, they do not come out for fear that they will be denied their trust fund/banned from the fraternity house bathroom.

The Girl Who Is Better At School Than You

She is the one who loudly complains that she "only got a 98" and reminds the professor when they forget to collect the homework. She walks around campus with a look of anxiety that can only be described as "I think I put my tampon in the wrong hole." She will whip out her snake eyed glare if you take her seat from her, and I would wager to bet that she could wallpaper a house with the thousands of note cards in her perfectly organized North Face backpack.

The Foreign Exchange Student

OK, we all get it. You're from China. We know. PLEASE stop the diatribes about how things are SOOO different in America. Foreign exchange students can found holding up the lunch line and asking for directions. Also they walk on the wrong side of the side walk.

The Girl Getting Her MRS Degree

This girl prances into class looking like she is headed to the first round of Miss America. Really the only reason she is here is "to find a man that will love her like her daddy does" (ew.). Laden with a thick southern accent, she spends class updating her Facebook status, flipping her hair, and batting her overly mascaraed eyelashes. The only reason she hasn't flunked out yet is because she has a plethora of boys on hand to "tutor" her. She can often be found on the main floor of the library, but really she's only there to scope out the business majors.


The Kid Who Is Never In Class

"Molly, how can I know this kid if he's never in class" Good question! This guy makes himself known by taking extreme advantage of the "Email All Class Members" button. This kid is filled with excuses as to why they're never in class (my car broke down, I'm sick, I'm not actually sure where class is held). They email asking for notes, answers to study guides, and to ask when the test is. They are there on the first day of class and final exam day and really that's it. While no one is really positive what they look like, I'd bet there is a neck beard and 5 month old pile of laundry involved.

"Hey Guys, what's on the test"

16 Reasons Why I Am Still Single

1.  I am convinced that someone is secretly recording the heart to heart conversations I have with my dog before I go to sleep each night and broadcasting them over the Internet.
2.  There is not enough time in the day to watch Dateline: Real Life Mysteries every time it graces my cable box and sustain a relationship with anything other than my couch
3.  I give it up like a tee shirt gun at a Nets game, so many a guy has hit this and quit this, leaving no room for anything other than an awkward "see ya around campus" the next morning
4.  Jennifer Anniston set me up to fail.
5.  The love letters I posted on that guys locker for an entire semester in the 9th grade didn't pan out the way I thought they would
6.  I have a Pinterest board of movie stars and I hold every guy I see on my online dating profile to that standard
7.  My idea of a bitching evening involves going somewhere that allows me to fart without judgement
8.  I still get the American Girl Doll quarterly catalogue and go through and highlight what I want
9.  My daddy issues are of the "shower me with gifts to prove your love" variety
10.  Yelling out random arrested development quotes whenever I see fit is not deemed socially appropriate in this day in age
11.  I am convinced that every guy that sends a smile my way is harboring secret feelings for me and I treat them as such
12.  The only person who thinks I'm trendy is my dad
13.  I do not have a deep set commitment to personal hygiene
14.  I make up words and use them in everyday conversations and expect people to know understand what I mean
15.  Not only do I wear leggings as pants, but I wear granny panties under those leggings as pants
16.  But I think the main reason why I'm still single though is because I refuse to settle. Because settling is for Pilgrims

Top 9 Things To Do When Your Friends Are Out On Dates

This week my two besties got boyfriends (read: guys that take my friends attention away from me) at the same time. Also, they both had plans with said men on Saturday night, leaving me to sit alone in my room with my thumb up my butt. I have come to the conclusion that this is going to be a regular occurrence, so to save myself from my impending boredom, I have come up with a list of things to do when my friends have dates. Hopefully these tips will help you single people too!

9. I recently joined Pinterest, and set out crafting with the ultimate hopes of dying happily in a pool of melted crayons.  However, I quickly learned that it is expensive to make that shit, so instead focus on creating your own projects like making a mobile out of a stick and some pine cones or a picture frame out of old q-tips (the ear crust makes a nice yellow accent) or mold figurines out of the tub of vaseline that's just going to waste on your bedside table. 

8. Plan outfits and hair/makeup combo's that you'll one day get to use on your own date! The practice of making yourself look like a normal and dateable person will come in handy when you finally meet that guy from match.com in real life. Don't worry about washing away your makeup before bed, your tears work just as well as any top of the line makeup remover!

7. Follow your friend on their date and write down any noteworthy occurrences. Did you notice the guy check his watch? Clearly he's trying to make sure he gets to his OTHER date on time. Did the girl drop her fork after one sip of wine? Total alcoholic. Every event needs to be documented-your friend will appreciate your unbiased observations!

6. Do your homework for the upcoming week. Hell, while you're at it, do your homework for the rest of the semester! I mean let's be honest, it's not like you have any big things like one month anniversary's or couples trivia night to distract you. You should even bump up your course load or add some online classes! This is your opportunity to become the student you were born to be.

5. Reconnect with that guy you had a  crush on all through high school. Shoot him a friendly little message! Don't know what to say? Copy and paste this: "Heyyyy, Listen so I know we haven't talked since that time you told me to stop putting a bunch of anonymous love notes on you locker in the 10th grade, but I've been thinking, we should totally get together sometime! I mean I think of you whenever I see a MasterLock, and I'm sure you think of me whenever you see a poem that begins with 'Roses are red, Violets are blue' so just think about it, get back to me, I'm ALWAYS available. XOXOXOXOXO PS- you're looking SO sexy in your recently tagged pictures, especially the ones at the beach.... ;) ;) ;)" They'll think it's so sweet that you still love them!

4. Go out on your own and find a party to crash. Just because you know no one at the house, doesn't meant you won't be a fabulous addition! Create an alias and enter a world all your own! Also, maybe you can find someone to shack up with and that's always a plus.

3. Send out mass e-mails to the people in all your classes. There is nothing I love more than logging into my email and seeing 17 new messages waiting for me! It's like 17 people saying "let's be friends!!" (or it's 17 people saying "when's the test?"). Either way, you should send out an message ala Craig's List Missed Connections. "Hey Class, I made eye contact with this really cute guy in class 36 times today. He was wearing a yellow shirt and had hair the color of a unicorn's mane. His eyes were as deep as the blue on the cover of our textbook. Are you that guy? Let me know... Our destiny is waiting. Signed, Jonesing for you in Journalism" There doesn't even have to be a yellow shirted, unicorn mane haired, textbook cover blue eyed guy in your class, your class will appreciate the email regardless and if your class is big enough, statistically, some lonely hack will answer. 

2. Finally teach yourself how to play the recorder with your nose! This is a very marketable skill people.

1. If all else fails, you can always start a blog.

What Kind of Drunk Are You?

Greetings Earthlings! Now that school is back in session, I can focus on the important things again: Ignoring my school work and bitching and ranting over the internet. Today we're talking about the ever lovely alcohol, but more importantly, the effects of it. This is not a public service announcement about the dangers of binge drinking on college campuses, but more of a insight as to what asshole you turn into when you drink. I have been to many a party, tailgate, soiree, orgy, etc and therefore have had many an opportunity to observe drunks in their natural environment. So here we go...

WHAT KIND OF DRUNK ARE YOU?

• The One That Thinks They're Hot
• Unless you like slobbery no sober being is attracted to a drunk person, ever. But damn if this person doesn't think they are the hottest thing since Borat's man-kini. 
• Their drunkenness usually manifests itself in thoughts like ....
• "Every boy here wants to make out with me!"
• "I have great boobs, why don't I show them to the entire party?!"
• "Every girl here wants to make out with me"
• The Slut
• This drunk is similar to the "Think They're Hot" drunk, but they act on their Porn Star thoughts. This is the girl that stands on table topless, swinging her bra over her head. This is the guy that decides a living room couch is the perfect place to enact his favorite nudey flick scene. The worst part about these hos is that they NEVER pair up with each other, instead choosing to prey on innocent bystanders.
• The "DJ"
• We all know the person who gets drunk and automatically thinks they are deadmou5 incarnate and that the entire party would benefit from their secret Ke$ha collection. No one would benefit from that. However, this person insists on unplugging the stereo system so that the whole party can listen to their Garage Band remixes played through their iPhone speakers. Cause nothing gets a party bumping and grinding like do-it-yourself dub step.
• The Emotional One
• This is the person that cries about everything in real life anyways, so adding alcohol to the mix just creates an emotional shit storm. They will blabber to anyone who will listen about how the girl that sat next to them in fourth grade stole their favorite pen and never gave it back. While this ball of tears and snot usually manifests in ladies, men have been known to take on this form. Case in point: the guy that gets drunk and in turn unloads every time a woman did him wrong. Luckily for the rest of us, these Dr. Phil rejects naturally attract each other and can be left to have heart to hearts in the corner. 
• The Drunk Texter
• Ever gotten a text message at 2:47 that says "heyyyyyy babrby!!!!! 4i realyl wnat to be youurs girlfraint. next tioerm i see yyiu im gonnabt bt lll ova youuuuuu!!!!! :) :);0"? Because it was from this drunk. The Drunk Texter is the one most likely to derail their entire social life in 140 characters or less. 
• The Aggressor
• This person is intimidating in real life, but when they're drunk, they're downright frightening. For guys, the aggression manifests in punching the guy who just beat him in pong, kicking over a chair that's in his way, or carving "fuck" or a giant penis onto an antique table with a butter knife. For girls, This aggression is shown in hating on other peoples outfits, judging the shitty music, rating every boy on a 1-10 scale and basically acting the same way girls act all the time.
• The Pretend Drunk/The Lightweight
• This person has two sips of Mike's Hard and is plastered. Whether they're actually drunk or not is irrelevant. By far the most annoying drunk is this one. They run around the entire place announcing to everyone that they are "Ssoooooooooo gonnneeeeeeee!!!!" Other favorite phrases of this person are
• "I can already feel my hangover coming on"
• "I NEED A SOBER DRIVER!"
• "What's my name again?"
• The One With The Drunchies
• Drunk + Munchies = Drunchies. The Drunchies is the reason America is so obese. People get drunk and get hungry. But the Hungry one does not merely suppress their alcohol induced appetite. Instead they raid the fridge and eat everything in sight. They have also been known to bite into decorative fruit bowls left around. Nothing is safe on a Drunchie Binge. Did you label leftovers? Doesn't matter. Is the  container of Oreos unopened? Irrelevant. Are the eggs completely raw? The details matter not. WARNING: Do not anger a Raging Hungry Drunk. Because if they don't get a chicken kabob in around their mouth, they will attack.

Remember my friends, alcoholics go to meetings, while drunks go to parties. 

Let's Talk About Sex BAY-BEE

All right children it's time to talk about the birds and the bees. That's right, unless the title of this didn't make it glaringly clear, we're going to be talking about sex. Because who knows more about sex than a perpetually single 20 year old who spends her free time eating Fiber One brownies and cuddling with her dog? Oh yeah, that's right. NO ONE. See, I watch MTV, I'm hip, I know. And besides the guy in the dorm next to me is constantly having sex and I can hear it through the walls so yeah, I'm basically an expert. I was also in marching band in high school and that surely supplemented my knowledge about the whole sex scene. Just so we're clear, all the rumors about band people being extremely sexually active are 100% true. If we went 2 days without seeing a couple sneaking off to the tuba storage closet there was definite cause for concern, but I digress. 

Y'all the decision to have sex is definitely a big one. You need to really love the person and truly be ready, both physically and mentally. Unless of course you get drunk at a party and wake up the next morning and whoopsie-daisy you're lying naked next to some guy, who was way hotter last night, and there are used condoms scattering the floor. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to figure out what happened the night before... But whatever. Shit happens, move on! Or if you can't, you can just become a "Born-Again Virgin." Yes. They exist. All you have to do is say "I'm reclaiming my virginity" and KABLAMERS you're a virgin again. Like magic. I mean at least I think that's how it works...? I don't really know.  But BAV's are real. If you care that much your lazy ass can Googz that shit. But for all of you real virgins out there, you're not missing much. I mean kinda but thats not the point. YOU DO YOU, VIRGINS. No one's judging you, and no one cares, because it doesn't actually matter. Unless you end up on The Virgin Diaries on TLC. Those people are crazy. Again not the point GAH. 

But no matter how you go about it I think you should know that things that offer advice on sexy times suck. Like Cosmo for instance... It is considered the Bible for todays modern woman, but my Lord the things they say in there are pretty ridiculous. I'll admit the fashion stuff is always on point and the makeup tips are great, but the sex tips? Boy oh boy... They suck. 

I collected the top ten worst sex tips from Cosmo below:

10. "Hot Dog: Before giving him oral sex, position yourself so you're sitting to the side, almost perpendicular to his penis. Cup your hand around his member, creating a "bun" around his "hot dog." Then kiss the part of his penis that's exposed while breathing hard. Your hand will trap your exhalations and make his member feel superhot. With your other hand, work his testicles. He'll think he has died and gone to heaven." Shape aside, there is NOTHING sexy about a hotdog. 
9.  "My girl would pretend she didn't want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open."  Are you sure she was pretending...?
8. "Have me lie on my stomach, then wet the skin below my butt with your tongue. Blow on it." Wet butt yummy. 
7. "Midbooty, pull away then scoot down and put your mouth on my shaft. Knowing that you're tasting your juices drives me wild." Well, to each his own... I guess? Also "midbooty?"
6. "Take a sip of hot water - as hot as you can stand - before [performing oral sex] on him. Then, keeping your mouth closed, swish it all around." Ouch... How is a scalding mouth/penis at all fun?
5. "Cup his hand against your mouth, and flick your tongue quickly in and out of the center of his palm." Mmm... hand sex.
4. "My girl held my tongue in place with her teeth during a make-out session while she tickled the tip with her own tongue. Electrifying." Nothing like playing "Just the Tip" with someones tongue.
3."The best oral I ever got happened while I was hanging from the chin-up bar I keep in my home gym. The strain in my arms mixed with the bliss I felt below the waist created unbelievable pleasure." You better 
be damn strong.
2. "News Flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you'd think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands graze my package." Wait, guys have nipples? Why wasn't I informed of this sooner?
1. "Slip a glazed doughnut around his manhood and nibble it off." Some fat hag at Cosmo wrote this to fuck with everyone. This isn't sexy. Delicious? Yes. Sexy? No. 
I mean you don't really need tips, it's pretty straight forward. If my dog, who eats his own shit sometimes, can figure out how to hump his teddy bear chew toy, than you can figure out how to bump and grind with yo' boo. Hehe, but seriously. So, in the words of God, Go forth and multiply, betches. 

How To Delete Unnecessary Friends From Facebook

I have always been the Queen of Facebook. Don't argue with me. I'm better at Facebook than you are. (That sentence can also be interpreted as: "My life revolves around watching everyone else have fun"). I kid you not, one time I saw this really cute guy in the library and I didn't say a single word to him, but I was able to find them on Facebook within 30 minutes. I'm not sure why I'm bragging about that. Either way, my extreme stalker tendencies have left me with over 1200 friends. Let's be real. NO ONE ACTUALLY HAS 1200 FRIENDS. Especially me. I've tried many times to delete friends but I get through the B's and I'm like well that was fun, I'm gonna go eat a sandwich. But last week I decided to sit down and seriously delete all these assholes infiltrating my life. I made a strict set of rules that I found very helpful, For every person I asked myself a series of questions and based on the answer I determined whether they deserved the honor of being my friend.

Guide to Deleting Facebook Friends

• People You Went to High School With
• The "Former Friend"
• If you've gotten a "Hi my name is so and so, we used to be friends... I don't know if you remember me...?" post in the past two months, delete them. First of all, assholes who say shit like that think they're clever, but they're not, and that right there is grounds for deletion. Next this is the bitchiest wall post in the history of Facebook. Like it seriously is the most passive aggressive thing ever. It's like you eating in a restaurant and having a really great server and then you don't go back to the restaurant for months, but one day you show up out of the blue and go up to the server and say "Hi ummm remember me? you used to bring me food but you haven't in a while... what gives?" Friendship works both way people.  If this person is too stupid to realize that why y'all haven't talked in months is because they suck, then unfriending them will send that message loud and clear.
• The One That Will End Up On Maury
• Everyone has that special someone from high school that they never talked to, but  whose life you can watch fall apart via Facebook status. Is this person addicted to drugs? Is this person going to get pregnant with a bastard child from the guy they've been dating for 3 months? Is this person on the brink of a total mental breakdown? Does this person broadcast their alcoholic tendencies all over your NewsFeed? Is this person going to end up in jail for cooking meth in his mom's basement? Do you want to watch this train wreck happen? yes-keep, no-delete.
• The Sexy One
• This is self explanatory, if you think they're hot, keep them. Moving on...
• The One That's Obsessed With You
• Everyone has that one random person that is all over your Facebook. This is someone you probably never talked to in high school, but after graduation all of a sudden they like everything you put on your page and comment on all your photos. They probably have a file of your profile pictures saved to their computer. You can't delete this poor soul, for all you know your Facebook is their only reason for living. 
• Everyone Else
• If you didn't talk to them in high school and their Facebook is nothing exciting, why are you keeping them around? Really?
• Now Moving on to College Friends, college is different because most of your college friends you have to keep around for some reason or another, you can't just drop them like those high school assholes.
• The People You're in Organizations With
• I can't just unfriend the girls in my sorority that I don't like. You know why? Because we're SISTERS. WE HAVE A BOND. You have to keep these suckers.... there's no way around it. Sorry.
• The Kids In Your Class
• As long as you're in class with someone, you HAVE to stay friends with them. Otherwise, they'll get mad and won't let you cheat off their midterm. But, the second that final is over, you can unfriend. The same goes for people on your hall, the second you move out delete those creeps.
• The People You're Actually Friends With
• Why would you want to unfriend them? They're Fun. 
• Old People 
• People over the age of 35 don't understand Facebook. There is nothing more I want to do then unfriend the people that comment things like "You're growing up into a beautiful young lady! tell you mother I say Hi! From, Barbara." Dammit Barbara, you're sweet thanks. But go away. You can try to unfriend them, but they'll just get confused and re-friend.
• Your Family
• You can unfriend them, but the number of family members you're friends with on Facebook is directly related to the number of presents you get come Christmas time

I hope y'all found this helpful, I certainly did, I deleted 400 people with this little method. And when it really boils down to it, ask your self "If they died tomorrow would I go to the funeral, would I care?" if the answer is No, then they have no place on your Facebook. 

Things I Hated as a Child

Here's a list of things that really chapped my ass when I was in elementary school. Also, all of these things still suck today.

• Winnie The Pooh
• I hated these books with a fiery passion. First of all, what the fuck is a Pooh? Because I was under the impression that a pooh was what went in the toilet to be flushed into oblivion, not a little bear that I'm supposed to cherish and love. Furthermore, I never understood a single thing they were talking about in these books because the words were so British and enormous. The series had sentences like "Pooh left the facade with a surreptitious feeling of bewilderment at the goings on that proceeded." WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? I'm barely able to understand these books now. Like this is supposed to be a bedtime story, not an SAT prep class. Finally the gender ambiguity really freaked me out. I was not a very progressive child, and I enjoyed knowing the sex of book characters with abundant clarity, and Winnie The Pooh did not offer that. Case in point, Winnie is a girls name, but he's a boy. Oh also, I spelled tiger like tigger til I was at least 16. So there's that.
• Limited Too
• Ok I didn't hate Limited Too, I hated that I wasn't allowed to wear Limited Too. All I wanted was to wear a lavender tank top with the words "Glitter Is My Favorite Color" bedazzled across my prepubescent chest, but my mom was not having that. She literally told me once "You're not a child prostitute and I'm not dressing you like one." After that all I wanted to be was a prostitute. I had NO clue what it was, but dammit if i wasn't going to become one. My efforts were crushed by mom's incessant need to get my clothes at Costco.  
• Cursive
• Cursive is the biggest lie I've ever experienced in my entire life. I spent years learning a skill with the promise that it would be the most beneficial and important thing in the history of the universe. But on my first day of 7th grade at a brand new school, my English teacher was going over the syllabus while we were supposed to be filling out a piece of paper with our other classes, parents phone numbers, etc. I bravely raised my hand and asked if we were required to write our little info sheets in cursive. My teacher looked at me like I asked if it was ok to write it in my own blood and simply said "I don't care how you write it as long as I get the information." Umm, WHUUT. It was at this moment that I realized the past six years of my handwriting life were a total lie.
• Type to Learn
• Y'all I loved type to learn but I was so bad at it. Everyone else was on level 46 and rising fast and I was stuck dicking around in level 4 typing FJDK FJDK FJDK 20 times. I only occasionally got to play the games, but those were reserved for the people that could type like 97 words a minute. All I wanted was to be blessed with the typing skills of a successful secretary. I'm still embarrassed by how slow of a typer I am. 
• Little House on the Prairie
• These books should be renamed "Little Yawn on the Big Snore." I enjoyed these books at first, don't get me wrong, but  man did they get old fast. But I told my mom I liked them and she took it as "MOM I"M OBSESSED WITH THESE!! BUY ME ALL 47 OF THEM AND GET ME ALL OF THE ADDITION BOOK COMPANION SHIT TOO!!!!!." I had literally every book in this series and was basically an expert on dust storms, milking cows, and how to make an apron. Skills that are all very important for a girl growing up in Atlanta. I also had my own Little House on the Prairie sewing kit, embroidery kit, basket weaving kit, and bonnet making kit. Then I realized that it wasn't 1932 and moved on with my life.
• Family Car Trips
• Family car trips are the literal definition of Hell. First my dad had to shove all our shit into the trunk. But six people on a weeklong vacation = enough crapola to fill an entire storage unit, regardless my dad would spend 45 minutes stuffing luggage into the minivan's trunk Tetris style. Then he would spend another 45 minutes attaching a portable TV to a milk crate and wiring it to the cars stereo system so that the 4 of us little snots could be entertained during the drive. Meanwhile,  the rest of us had to stand and watch in case he decided he needed help. He never needed help. Once everything was situated we all piled in and got going. The drive really wasn't that bad at first. It was like "WOOHOOOO I'm going to the beach and it's going to be FUUN and this movie is FUUN and I'm having FUUN." Then the first movie ended. And my parents would be like "Hey I have an idea, let's listen to the radio!" and turn on NPR and I would have to listen to pointless blabber for an hour. There's always that point in the car trip when everyone goes insane. Suddenly it became very clear just how long I was going to be sitting in that spot. My brothers would realize that about the same time and my parents soon had an uprising on their hands. My younger brothers would start kicking the back of my seat and I would be crying and my older brother would be yelling at everyone to shut up and my parents would just turn up NPR louder in the hopes that the sound of boredom would shut us up. Spoiler Alert: It never did. My dad would pull over the car and start yelling. The scariest moments of my life were when my dad was yelling on car trips. He not only would threaten to turn the car around, but he would promise that if we didn't behave, we would never, EVER go on a vacation again. And that sure as hell shut us up. Then we would have to spend the rest of the trip listening to what our parents wanted to because we "lost our privilege to do what we wanted a long time ago." Sneaky parents making their kids feel bad so they can get what they want... Also I used to get really car sick and I always threw up on long car trips. Just an added little nugget as to why car rides suck the big one.

Boys, Boys, Boys.

Y'all might not know this, but boys are all over me. I go on at least 4 dates a week, I could open a flower shop with all the roses I'm presented with, guys have literally stopped my moving car in traffic to complement my beauty, and on occasion, I've been known to break up a fist fight between possible suitors. Ok now that April Fools day is over, lets get real. I've never had a boyfriend, I've never been on a date, and I'm pretty sure that the only people that have told me I'm beautiful are my parents, Christina Aguileria, and James Blunt. But just because I've never had a "real" relationship, doesn't mean that I haven't put myself out there, trust me, I have. In fact I've put myself in every possible situation to bump into the man of my dreams. Ok once again, that's not true, if I knew how to snag a guy we wouldn't be having this conversation. MTV and the like make it seem like everyone in college falls in love downtown at the club, but one thing is for sure, this is not the case. Ladies, just so we're clear, do not expect to meet The One at some club while you're dancing to "Head down, ass up, that's the way we like to fuck." Prince Charming is not going to charge down on his white horse and say, “Oh she looks like a classy young lady, I should buy her dinner and treat her well.” It doesn’t work like that. He's thinking, “I am going to get her naked and not make her breakfast.” Also, if you think this to be true then not only do you know nothing about men, but you know nothing about horses either. Loud music and big groups make them skittish. Furthermore, every time I go to the club guys either swarm around me the minute I get there (cause I'm hot, duh), or I'm COMPLETELY ignored all night and left to stand in the corner picking my nose. But when last call rolls around and the DJ starts playing "Closing Time," BAM! all of a sudden I'm the Belle of the Ball. It's like I'm setting off every lonely drunk guys vagina radar and they're all on me like white on rice, trying to get their dicks wet. And I'm like "Ummm... I'll call us a cab." Hehe, no. It takes more than that to get a one night stand out of me, people. Also, if you honestly believe that you can start a relationship from a one night stand, then you have been fucked hard by Lifetime Movies. So, the club is a no go. Next stop? The library. The library is not a great place to meet a guy, unless you're comfortable with awkwardly going up to a table a starting a normal conversation, but why would you want to do that when you can just creepily stare at boys. You can literally stare to your hearts content at a beautiful boy, and if he catches you, you can just pretend to be deep in thought, then fake a "EUREKA" moment and fervently begin typing on your computer to pull it off. Once you've convinced him that you're just a hard worker and not a total psycho, stop pretending to work and continue staring.

In case I haven't made this abundantly clear, I am VERY single. even my father, who is the literal definition of oblivious, has noticed. Over break, he took me out to dinner and this conversation happened. (I'm not making any of this up):

"So, what's the dating scene like for 20 year olds these days?" 

"Haha umm if I knew I'd tell you!"

"So you're not seeing anyone? Not going on dates?"

"Uhhh... nope."

"And you aren't meeting guys?"

"No..." (at this point I was feeling pretty shitty about myself, then my dad dropped this bombshell)

"Well I've done some research and it seems like online dating is pretty cool right now, so if you want, I can pay for match.com or something."

MY OWN FATHER IS TRYING TO PIMP ME OUT ON MATCH.COM.  

Ok I know he's just trying to help, and he's doing it because he loves me and wants me to be happy, blah blah blah, but regardless. This is how single I am. But in my defense, I have some boyfriend prospects including: That-Guy-That-I-See-In-Line-For-Asian-Every-Tuesday. I am also accepting applications for boyfriend though, so tell your friends. Qualifications include: being single. I kid, I kid. Ok, not really. But kind of.

Well, ok I realize I look like a desperate floozy, but I want to make it clear that I have great friends and an awesome family, and my dog is REALLY cute, and I am happy at the place I'm at in my life. To quote Leslie Knope: "Friendships are totally better. Friends help you move, they drive you to the airport. Boyfriends just... love you... and marry you..."

The Total White Girl

We all know about racial equality, white, black, brown- all equal, right? Right. It's 2011 for crying out loud, and if you don't believe this to be true then please hop back on whatever turnip truck you were knocked off of and hightail it back to Mississippi. However, in our fight for equality, the masses inadvertently gave freedoms to a group that should not be allowed to the same rights as others: the Total White Girl. The Total White Girl (TWG) is not just a racial and gender specific construct, but in fact a lifestyle and, dare I say, a state of mind. We have all come into contact with a TWG, but sometimes they can be hard to spot. However, chances are that if you can't easily identify one, then you probably are one. Synonym's of "Total White Girl" include: "sororstitute" (although you don't have to be in a sorority to gain Total White Girl Status), "biddie", "bitch", and "that girl who turned everyone against me in 8th grade because I wouldn't share my Capri Sun".  

Are You A Total White Girl? 

• Does the word "crafting" have any immediate significance in your life?
• Do you own an excess of 10 monogrammed items?
• Have you ever uttered the words "Oh my god you guys the new Ke$ha song totally describes the place I'm at in my life right now!"?
• Are you currently wearing something from J.Crew, Polo, or Lilly Pulitzer?
• Do you refer to you father as "Daaaaadddyyyyaahhh"?
• Have you shown up to class in leggings, an oversized tee shirt, Reeboks, and a full face of make-up and hair completely done?
• Is your beverage of choice Diet Coke?
• Do you have a gay best friend?
• Do you let everyone know that you have a gay best friend?
• Is your other beverage of choice White Zinfandel?
• Do you measure how long a relationship lasts based on your empty birth control packets?
• Have you said "sorry, I'm not sorry" or "sucks to suck" more than twice in the past hour?

If you answered "Yes" to any of these questions then CONGRATULATIONS, you're a Total White Girl! If you didn't score high enough to reach TWG status, there are still other roles, on the periphery, that you can fill!

• The One With the Really Rich Dad 
• This one is simple- have a dad that invented something or discovered the cure for cancer, and use your fathers hard earned money to buy nice things, not only for yourself, but for the TWG. White Girls always need cute shoes right?
• Strengths: total lack of respect for parents income
• The Historian
• You are vital to the success of the TWG because you are responsible not only for capturing every exciting moment, but for spending hours editing the pictures with the TWG in them to ensure perfection. You are also responsible for destroying any picture that contains an improper skinny arm execution and things of that nature. You are responsible for the TWG's next profile picture so you better not fuck it up. The TWG will also demand you show her every picture of her .2 seconds after it was taken and demand reshoots in various poses until you have captured the perfect picture, so your reflexes need to be on point.
• Strengths: the ability to follow the TWG everywhere, yes, even the bathroom
• The 21 Year Old
• You're only here because you're 21. No. Questions. Asked. You are attractive enough to be in pictures so that you appear to be a member of the friend group, but in reality your personality is blander than white bread. You are only around because a TWG can't get white girl wasted if she doesn't have anyone to supply her with Burnettte's
• Strengths: being 21
• The Ugly One
• You're here to make the TWG feel good about herself, because no matter how ugly she thinks she looks that day, she knows you will always be uglier. 
• Strengths: having a unibrow
• The Slutty One
• Your job is similar to the Ugly One in that you're only here to make the TWG feel better about herself. The TWG will undoubtedly have gone home with at least 37 guys, but despite her best efforts, she could never catch up to you, and thus does not feel like a slut.
• Strengths: your legs are always wide open
• The Sober One
• You are quite possibly the most important member in the group. You are the one that shuttles TWG and co. to and from parties and downtown. You are not only important for your awesome mom-mobile skills, but also for your ability to remember everything that happened the night before and tell the events, in gruesome detail, the next day over breakfast. Without you, the TWG would have no stories to fabricate and tell to the cute boy that sits next to her in Poli Sci
• Strengths: having a minivan, having a good memory (being a good liar)

Hopefully you fit into one of these categories and can go have fun times with the TWG. And if you don't then all I can say is sorry about it and sucks to suck.

Sext Me Later

In case you've just emerged from your tree house in the jungle of sub-saharan Africa, let me give you a little definition of "sexting"

Sext (n): a text message with sexually explicit leanings. including, but not limited to, explaining sexual acts, sending nude photos, and using the imagination and use of spoken word to play out fantasies. The act of sexting is often accompanied by an explicit number of ";)" faces. 

"Hey baby, since I won't be seeing you later how about you send me some sexts and we can still have some fun." 

For a while, I thought the only people that used the word sexting were concerned parents groups leading workshops about the dangers American children face today, but ohh boy has college changed that opinion. If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that they sexted, I would be like.... 35 cents richer. (I think this low statistic is based on the fact that people are embarrassed about sexting, but really there's nothing to be embarrassed about or scared of, except the possibility that someone finds these messages and broadcasts them everywhere. But the chances of that are slim, really.) Regardless, sexting is definitely a cultural phenomenon, but if people are going to continue sexting, they need to learn how to fucking do it. Sexy texting is an art form, not just a means to spend a lonely Friday night. I hate sexting. Like hate, hate, hate, hate, hate sexting. But for some reason, my long distance ex boyfriend loved to sext me, and since I have no sense of self-respect (blah blah blah daddy issues blah) I always was quick to answer with a tantalizingly little nugget that was sure to get the juices flowing (ew bad analogy). However, even though I would send messages, I never actually partook in sexting proper; usually I was just sitting around eating a sandwich. But he liked sexting and I liked him and so thats how we get here. But bless his heart, poor boy was an economics major, and really isn't very good with articulating his thoughts. But his total disregard for the English language provided many lolz. Anyway, I have compiled some of the best (worst) sexts I've ever received from said ex for your reading pleasure below. Please, do enjoy. 

• "I want to pick you up and hold you tight and spin you around so you're upside down now and ram it in the whole time." 
• OK hold on, what sort of anti-gravity world are you living in that you can pick me up, spin me around and then upside down all while keeping it inside me. Like, instead of having sex in this anti-gravity chamber, can I just float around in your moon room?
• "I have you from behind and I push your face in the pillow so you can't breath and thrust even harder"
• Ohhh baby, yes, PLEASE keep telling me how you're going to smother me and defile my dead body. Nothing gets me hot and bothered quite like necrophilia. 
• "I have you on your back, then I take you off the bed, turn you around and put you on the running drier and let you feel it rumble all over"
• Wait... so... you fantasize about one day having sex in the basement of a Chinese laundry room? Cause that is really the only place I can think of that would have a drier running right next to a bed. 

But nothing tops the complete creativity and total lack of logic found in sexts like the totally unnoticed typo. 

• "I wish my duck was inside you"
• Please keep all farm animals away from my vagina, thanks. Also, I always knew there was something off with that Aflac mascot...
• However, nothing surpasses the tit/tot mix up.

• Napoleon Dynamite would be so proud

That guy and I broke up, unfortunately, well not unfortunately, I found out that he had fetishes WAY deeper than sending dirty messages and I'm not trying to do that nasty. I haven't sexted since him and I've decided that I need to REALLY love someone before I do that again. But, whether you've sexted or not, I think we all can agree that it leaves much to be desired, and it truly is an exercise into the depths of ones imagination. ;)